THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE… By Coach Joyce

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE…

Everyday we are faced with problems and issues that reach deep down in our souls and affect our lives. One such event is finding out that the man we’ve trusted as our friend, lover and spiritual head, has betrayed the vow that he made to us. Your world is suddenly ripped from its orbit and you are cast into the depths of self-doubt and despair. Frankly, I wondered if my marriage was worth it and if my world would ever find its way back to the galaxy it came from. I am still in the process of finding my place. I have come to realize that I will have a long journey ahead of me.

I haven’t been on this journey very long. Last August, my husband admitted his infidelity to me. His admission came as a result of an accountability partner betraying his trust. Earlier in the year he allowed someone to make physical advances to him and he didn’t stop them. At the point of this “Big Reveal”, my husband had struggled with what had happened for six months. With tears in his eyes and his head bowed in shame he told me what had happened. I felt so sorrowful as he told me what had happened. At the end of his story he said, “I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I’ve really messed everything up. I’ll leave right now if you want me to, you have every right”. My heart broke for him. I ran to his side and gave him a hug and affirmation of my love and faithfulness to him. I assured him that I didn’t want him to leave and that we would go through whatever we had to go through together. I felt that the revealing of truth would light the darkness that he had felt for so many months. I had no concept regarding the journey that I was about to begin.

As time progressed, I began to experience some very “faulty thinking”. I began to exaggerate the scope of my situation and react in some very destructive negative ways. I allowed my circumstances to dictate my mood and behavior. I opened the door for Satan to have a “field-day” with my life. I engaged in negative “self-talk” and destructive behavior that demonstrated spiritual immaturity, emotional turmoil, further impairing my relationship with my husband which resulted in stunting his progress in restorative therapy. Oh the power of thought!
I convinced myself that he had never been honest with me and that I would never be able to trust him again. I knew that he didn’t love me and probably never did. I convinced myself that the only reason he ever married me is because I could make lots of money working and that was all I meant to him, a “meal-ticket”. Notice the “all-encompassing” terms? If you have been using terms like, never, and always, chances are that you are beginning down the same road I’ve been traveling and I’d like to share some “tips for the trip”!
Realize the fact that what we think or tell ourselves about what we are going through doesn’t always square-up with reality. Faulty thinking, or “stinking thinking”, is “the belief that what happens on the outside is the cause of emotional or behavioral reactions, (Thurman, 2008)”. When you find yourself using faulty thinking, stop and use the TRUTH model to develop healthy thinking.
T – Trigger event – An event or life situation that happens to us
Determine the weight of the event. Some events are nickel events
While others are $500.00 events

R – Wrong thinking – Thoughts about the event that are faulty
Giving more value to an event than the event warrants

U – Unhealthy response – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are unhealthy
Slamming doors, using words to hurt the other person, acting out

T – Truth – The reality about the situation
Challenge the faulty thinking with the truth, clarify the situation

H – Healthy reactions – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are healthy
Realize that you don’t have to be held captive by lies
(Thurman, 2008)
It is essential that we learn to develop the mind of Christ. Philippians 4:8 reminds us that, “Whatever is TRUE, think on these things.” The negative effects of faulty thinking can be reversed if we identify the lies that we are telling ourselves, use the TRUTH model to track events, emotional reactions, and evaluate the lies that develop between events and emotional reactions. Be patient, sow truth daily with God’s help, and eventually you will reap healthy emotional reactions. Deeply embedded ways of thinking take time to change. Truth, when believed and practiced, sets us free.

Your Trauma Has Found A Voice!

September ‘09 Target Release Date for
Through A Trauma Lens:
Sexual Addiction’s Traumatic Impact On Partners

by Marsha Means, M.A.

Trauma. You’ve undoubtedly felt its excruciating pain as a result of your husband’s sex addiction. And you’re likely intimately acquainted with the roller coaster emotions that follow sex addiction’s discovery; the careening emotions that can plunge you into depression’s darkest recesses or catapult you to heights of anxiety you’ve never before experienced. We’ve heard women express it in thousands of ways. Listen to a few of them describe it in their own words:

• I threw up; couldn’t sleep; couldn’t eat. I cried constantly. I felt horror, anger, rage, terror, fury at God.
• You know that picture of the airplane hitting the tower in New York City? That’s what it’s like in my life.
• I have been having daily Migraines and I’m terrified. I know this will sound silly but I am even sleeping with my Bible.

When I first discovered all this I went into the bedroom where his clothes were hanging and ripped them off of the hangers and threw them, screaming “Who were you?” Am I mourning the death of the man I loved, or am I mourning the discovery that the man I loved never existed?

It's like hanging upside down and not being able to right myself. It's being stabbed over and over again and trying to find solid ground under the slippery pool of my own blood; most of the time it's laying in a shallow grave as most of me dies.

Trauma. You can feel it in these women’s words, can’t you? But what many of you haven’t felt is true understanding and empathy from others who recognize and understand your trauma; others who are equipped and willing to help you heal from it. And that’s why we are so excited to make this announcement about our next book, Through A Trauma Lens: Sexual Addiction’s Traumatic Impact On Partners. Our book has found a home with New Horizon Press and has a target release date of September 2009!

This means that if all goes as planned you will be able to buy your own copy just eleven months from now. It also means that my co-author, Barb Steffens, PhD, and I—along with New Horizon Press—will be doing everything possible to get the word out so that more clergy, counselors, doctors, and ordinary people begin to “get it.” Our passion is to represent you and the pain you’ve experienced to those who can help you feel understood and heard, and who can then walk you through your healing journey to wholeness, whether the man in your life decides to change or not.

We invite you to participate in this project with us by praying for us as we work hard to meet a very short January 2nd completion date while continuing to respond to hurting women via email, phone calls, support groups and one-on-one sessions.

We also invite you to participate by taking part in our anonymous trauma survey. You will find the link to the online survey at this end of this article. Because our book will be filled with women’s trauma experiences we need anonymous stories from women like you that we can weave into the writing. So if you would like to help the world understand the traumatic impact sex addiction had on you—and by sharing help people understand it’s traumatic impact on partners in general—click on the link below and pour out your heart. For women around the world we say “Thank you.”

] Participate in Trauma Survey