Help for Spouses of Sex Addicts

Non-Profit Status from A Woman's Healing Journey

2009-12-01T10:25:00.001-06:00

We are thrilled to tell you that we are now part of a Christian non-profit called Educational Support Services (ESS). Our “adoption” by ESS enables us to begin receiving tax-deductable donations. ESS has a passion to bring educational, supportive services—such as sex addiction recovery—to those who feel lost and alone with their pain. ESS founder and president, Greg Farnworth, a former pastor, shares our passion to provide relevant resources to enable Christians to face and triumph over today’s biggest threat to individuals, the family, and the Church itself. We thank God, and Greg and his Board of Directors, for supporting our work in this way.

http://ping.fm/A4ssG

2009-12-01T10:24:00.001-06:00

New article with incredible announcement by Marsha at http://ping.fm/UNH8S

2009-10-02T11:07:00.001-05:00

Would you consider sharing your story (anonymously if needed) to let other wives know that they are not alone. Visit http://ping.fm/q4sAC
to read other stories and share yours!

A Woman's Healing Journey - September 2009 Newsletter

2009-08-28T13:30:00.001-05:00

A newsletter for wives of sex addicts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What's Inside this Month's Newsletter ...
] What do the Author of "The Shack" & Your Husband Have in Common?
] Upcoming Support Groups
] Story: 11 Years of Lies
] Will You Be Our Friend?

Marsha MeansWhat do the Author of “The Shack”& Your Husband Have
in Common?

While in the States recently for a family reunion, I spotted the
following words on the cover of a Guideposts™ magazine:
“Paul Young: ‘Why I wrote The Shack.’” I eagerly picked up the
magazine and quickly flipped to the story to discover for myself
just what had inspired Paul Young to write this little bestseller
that everyone is talking about. The story has really impacted my
life, and it left me wondering where Paul found the inspiration and
imagery that made Jesus seem so real and available in the 21st
Century.

] Continue Reading this Article at http://ping.fm/6Vg2w

Upcoming Support Groups

Partner's Healing Journey Support Group
Wednesdays
] Learn More about these Groups at http://ping.fm/Jg4KH

Wives of Same-Sex Attracted Husbands
Thursdays
] Learn More about these Groups at http://ping.fm/3JlO1

Story: 11 Years of Lies

A few months into our marriage, I woke up late one night and
noticed he had not come to bed. I got up to see if he had fallen
asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but instead I found him in
our office. He was sitting in front of the laptop ...

] Keep Reading this Story from the Wife of a Sex Addict at http://ping.fm/rHz1z

2009-08-28T13:22:00.001-05:00

Just posted a new article, What Do the Author of "The Shack" & Your Husband Have in Common? at http://ping.fm/MJpZF

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

2009-08-14T11:21:00.001-05:00

Now Available!

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

by Marsha Means and Dr. Barbara Stephens.

Sexual addictions and compulsive sexual behavior are growing societal problems, with as many as three to six percent of the world population affected. Your Sexually Addicted Partner shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted.

] Learn More about Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

One Wife's Story, 6 Weeks Into HIS Recovery

2009-06-08T09:58:00.000-05:00

I knew he had been looking at porn before we got together, and since he had been single for a while, I understood (although I hated it) and never really thought it was a big deal. I never really gave it much thought at all. Until one day, about six months after we were married, I noticed how rarely we were having sex. (Having sex, not making love. Didn't really realize that distinction til after.) Since we both have really high libidos—a match made in heaven in that regard, as well as many others—I figured out in a flash that the masturbation was cutting into my action!

I said hey, that’s got to stop, that stuff is stealing our ...

] Keep Reading this Story from the Wife of a Sex Addict

My New Life in Mazatlan, Mexico

2009-06-01T09:56:00.001-05:00

What comes to your mind when you hear the word Mexico? Drug wars? Swine Flue? A tropical paradise with beautiful beaches?

In the three weeks since I drove into my new city of Mazatlan, Mexico I’ve only begun to absorb the kaleidoscope of color and the symphony of sound that excites my senses and enriches life here. But already I know I love this place. And I know that in the months and years ahead I will want to share with you often about this vibrant new country I call home, as well as tell you about the locals who’ve made room in their world for me.

But today I want to answer the question I’ve been asked most often since heading south: Why did you move to Mexico, and why did you choose Mazatlan?

] Finish Reading about Marsha's Move to Mexico

New Support Group for Alumni!

2009-05-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

Facilitated by Marsha, the Process Support groups are for women who have already done a Partner's Healing Journey Group, but who feel they need continued support, guidance, and a way to process what they are dealing with for awhile. If you find you aren't yet ready to do it on your own, a Process Support Group would likely provide the support and direction you need.

Next Process Support Group starts on Monday!!
] Complete Information on the Process Support Group

Workbook Blowout Special Ending Soon

2009-05-05T06:58:00.001-05:00

Click Here for More Information!

Counselors, Support Group Leaders for Wives of Sex Addicts

2009-04-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

Good Morning!

With Marsha's coming move to Mexico, A Woman's Healing Journey is liquidating as much of its inventory as possible. This spells OPPORTUNITY for those that supply workbooks to support group members or to clients.

Counselors. Some of you give copies of Partner's Healing Journey workbooks to your clients, this is an awesome service that arms wives with the tools to cope with their husband's acting out and to begin to heal.

Support Groups Facilitators. You use the workbook on a weekly basis to lead wives on their healing journey. The workbook provides an easy format for support group facilitation, even if you are not trained as a counselor.

Churches. Increasingly, church staffs are faced with the pain of sex addiction in parishioner's lives. You can provide truly helpful support and a pathway for understanding and healing by giving hurting partners of sex addicts a workbook.

If you do not have a support group started yet, we have prepared a Leading the Group download (attached) to help you lead a group.

Here is the opportunity! We have several cases of workbooks that we would rather not move! Each case has 50 workbooks and we are willing to extend the current discount (2 workbooks for $10) to entire cases.

50 workbooks (1 case) for $250
This is a $750 retail value that can increase funds for your organization or ministry, or allow you to give out free workbooks, or pass the discount along to your clients/group members.

Supply is limited and after Marsha's move, these prices will no longer be available!

] Purchase a Case Today

Helping Wives of Addicts,
A Woman's Healing Journey Staff
www.awomanshealingjourney.com

What Do Moving to Mexico & Walking on Water Have in Common?

2009-04-02T13:49:00.001-05:00

by Marsha Means

I’ve been meaning to read “The Shack” for the last year as woman after woman has shared how it changed their view of God, but I never quite got around to it. Not until now. And like so much about life post the-discovery-of-sex-addiction-in-our-personal worlds, this little book was written “for such a time as this.”

You see, even though I’m six years post-discovery, I’m still working at rebuilding my life, as is Mack, “The Shack’s” main character. In one of my favorite passages from this story of Mack’s weekend spent high in the mountains of my beloved Pacific Northwest with the three members of the Godhead, he and Jesus—who’s always dressed in blue jeans—are about to take a walk to the other side of the lake. However…

“Instead of angling off to one side of the lake or the other…Jesus headed straight for the dock…Mack next assumed that they would be taking one of the canoes nestled against the dock pylons, and he was surprised when Jesus didn’t hesitate as he passed the third and last of them, heading directly for the end of the pier. Reaching the end of the dock, he turned to Mack and grinned.

“After you,” he said with a mock flourish and a bow.

“You’re kidding, right?” sputtered Mack. “I thought we were going for a walk, not a swim.”

“We are. I just thought going across the lake would take less time than going around it.”

….He looked up at Jesus with a frozen grimace on his face….

“C’mon, Mack. If Peter can do it…”

….”You want me to walk on the water to the other side—…?”

“You’re a quick one, Mack. Nobody gonna slide anything past you, that’s for sure. C’mon, it’s fun!” He laughed….

I’ll let you read for yourself how Mack’s walk to the head of the lake with Jesus turned out. Until then, you won’t know if he stayed dry or fell in. It’s a life-changing story, so be sure to read it. But I want to ask you a question: Have you ever felt like Mack? Afraid of what you hear Jesus asking you to do? I know I have, and to a certain extent, I feel that way right now.

You see, I’m about to take a walk with Jesus, that in some ways, feels as unnerving as walking on water. In just thirty days, I am moving to Mexico. It’s taken me four-and-a-half years to become willing to step this far from shore, but finally—as long as I know Jesus is walking with me—I’ve begun see it as an adventure, and a life-saver.

An adventure in new discoveries; in learning a new language and new culture; but most of all, an adventure in faith, which is already being stretched as I seek to jump through the many hoops required to move across a border. And a life-saver because I’ve been unable to get health insurance in the U.S. for the last five years, but in Mexico medical expenses are so reasonably priced I can afford most medical care by paying out of pocket.

I will continue to minister through the website, the telephone, and by writing, so nothing about that aspect of my life will change. And once settled—and after learning the language and learning how to drive in a country that doesn’t stop at stop signs (literally!)—life should be easier financially. But between now and then, I need your prayers.

In the four weeks ahead, please pray that God will multiply my 1) time to do everything there is to do while still running my ministry; 2) that God will multiply my financial resources so I can cover the expenses such a move requires; and 3) that God will multiply my energy to meet the seemingly endless list of things that must be accomplished by April 29th. And as you pray, I invite you to check out my “Moving to Mexico” blog to read and see how God is answering your prayers in my life.

Your Sister on this journey,

Marsha Means

Sex Addiction and the Ministry

2009-02-09T03:56:00.000-06:00

Not Immune
By Rev. Joyce Wise, MSN

I was raise in a Christian home with a long history of ministers in the family. From my earliest recollection I remember my mother telling me that, “God gave you to me when I was told I couldn’t have any more babies. You were born for a special purpose; God has His hand upon your life”. At times I resented the fact that I had a “special purpose” and as a teenager, I rebelled. It wasn’t what you would call a “bad kid”, but I wanted to make up my own mind about my purpose in life.

I was very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and on more than one occasion I completely gave my life to the Lord and declared, “I’ll go where You want me to go; and I’ll do what You want me to do Lord”. In 1976, at the age of 22, I was on a mission’s trip to Mexicali, Mexico; there God called me into full time ministry. I was elated that He would see fit to call. I knew that I would need a husband who had the same heart, so I prayed. As I sought God in the matter of a husband I dreamt about my high school boyfriend. Every time I prayed my dreams were about him and every time I would awaken and tell God that, “that’s okay, I can be happy being single”. You see, he had hurt me so badly as a teenager. I loved him and he rejected me saying he “thought he was gay” – I never wanted to be hurt by him again.

Two years later my former boyfriend came home and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Apparently, while I was praying he was praying too and God revealed to him that I was the one he would marry. I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! He had lost his chance. He asked three more times that evening and my answer remained the same. That night I argued with God – not a good idea! He revealed to me that we were new creatures and that everything would be okay, “trust Me”. God dealt with me for 4 days. On the forth day I said yes. Honestly, my yes was more out of obedience than love – at least that’s what I told myself all these years.

We have been married for almost 30 years now. In fact, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary on June 30th. Over the years he has reassured me of his love and faithfulness to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father. During our years together we have had 2 terrific, now adult; children and we have four grandchildren. My husband has been an ordained minister for 26 years and I also held ministerial credentials with the same organization. We had been with our last church for 17years, were very active and well respected in our community, and still live in this community. We don't plan on leaving!

Last year our world was catapulted into another galaxy and our lives as we had come to know them changed forever. In February of 2007, my husband had a sexual encounter with another man. My husband was very ashamed that this happened and he didn't tell me, but he did tell an accountability person. This person did not keep my husband's confidence and told another person, who told the church board, who confronted my husband on August 23rd, of 2007. At the time that he was confronted, I still didn't know about his betrayal.

On August 24th, 2007, about an hour after my husband went to work he returned home, broken and in tears. "I never meant to hurt you...” he began. Then began to tell me what had happened months before. He lost his job as pastor, we lost our church, and we lost our friends there; we were not even permitted to say goodbye.

I thought we had it all together! How could this have happened? We were ministers. We were serving the Lord. It was almost as if we were supposed to be immune to sin. We all know that the prince of darkness “roams the earth seeking whom he may devour”, but why? How?

The truth is that statistically 40% of our clergy in the United States struggle with sex addictions of one form or the other. In the denomination that we were with there are 1600 licensed ministers in the Southern California area. According to the reported statics 40% of this sample would be 460 ministers. It just so happens that that is the number of churches that the denomination has in Southern California. Feasibly, this means that there could be at least 1 minister in each church struggling with sex addiction. This is just one faith group!

None of us are immune. As a church there is a need for us to begin to talk about uncomfortable issues. Pastor's and Ministry wives - don't isolate yourself. It is essential that you have at least one person who you can talk to without having to put on "airs". You all know what I mean. Find a friend that you can trust and share your hurts and pain with. Re-establish your connection with God. God will get you through and will bring individuals into your life that you can trust and who will love you no matter what. Establish a network of friends - blog with each other. I never knew any other way. I have always been a pastor's wife. I have always been in ministry. I had a hard time viewing myself outside of ministry - this is such a feeling of loss, a loss of myself.

I wonder how many of you have had to deal with this additional challenge? You know, the typical person who deals with sexual betrayal is able to turn to their church, their pastor and their social network, (usually at their church). This has been a long difficult road - NO ONE should have to feel they have to face the road alone. If you have felt the additional loss of ministry, I would love to start a dialogue. There are other Pastor/Ministry wives who are going out through this type of pain - please don't let them go through it alone.

Redirected in ministry,
Coach Joyce

Thoughts From Coach Joyce's Husband

2009-02-07T13:11:00.003-06:00

It amazes me what God is doing in our lives. Recently, my husband, Al posted his thoughts on his facebook page. With his permission I am posting them here as well. Our hope is that Our story will help those who are hurting, feel isolated and rejected. We are all in this together. I look forward to your comments.

Sucky Saturday – The Depressing Time Between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday

Good Friday is only “good” because of Sunday. But between these two special days is Sucky Saturday, especially when Sunday seems slow in coming.

The tired employee’s exclamation “Thank God it’s Friday” certainly doesn’t apply to the first Good Friday. The passion of the Christ included being beaten down, cursed, mocked, spat upon and crucified – all through no fault of his own. He endured that we might advance. Sunday came with the revelation of God’s greatest miracle – Jesus’ resurrection - our redemption.

But what about Sucky Saturday? I can only imagine the heartache of the disciples living in Saturday.

They had lived with this man every day for 3 years then suddenly, unexplainably, he was gone. Their lives were in chaos and there was the matter of their guilt.

Judas committed suicide. Peter denied he ever knew Jesus. All but John deserted their friend during his darkest hours on the cross. Can you imagine what that must have felt like?

Have you experienced your own Passion Friday and Sucky Saturday?

Something catastrophic has happened – a death, a divorce, an addiction gets a stronghold, a job is lost, a moral failure – circumstance that will change your life forever. That’s Friday and there’s nothing good about it. It’s your own private “passion” – a time of pain, anguish and regret.

All of a sudden you’re alone. God seems far away – you’re racked with pain, guilt or disappointment – most of your friends have deserted you – some have even denied being your friend so as not to be associated with your situation. Your own family doesn’t understand. People wag the finger at you. There’s no way out. The future is uncertain. All hope seems lost.

Welcome to Sucky Saturday.

In his work, The Cloud of Unknowing, the unknown 14th Century writer describes a state of mind in which the presence of God is conceptually known but not always felt. It’s the time, (in what can seem like an eternity lasting for days, months or years) where we doubt our faith and believe God has turned his back on us. We return the favor and pass judgment on God, questioning His intentions. God becomes the Angry Judge instead of the Compassionate Father awaiting his prodigal son’s return.

This is normal behavior for Saturday dwellers - completely known to God - covered in his grace. Saturdays give us time to reflect both on our situation and God’s solution. Saturday’s invite introspection, reflection and contemplation. While questions remain, (“Why me?” Why did this have to happen?” “What have I done?” What the hell is going on?”), so also does God’s love.

I speak from tragic experience.

My Friday consisted of a grievous sexual encounter which revealed an inner addiction. It cost me dearly. Overnight, I lost my job and ministry of 16 years. I compromised my standing and reputation in the community. 95% of my friends disappeared in a heartbeat and my wife was devastated by my unfaithfulness. A “friend” literally called me, “The bastard pastor.”

My Saturday began with withdrawal. I didn’t want to speak with anyone or go anywhere. I was ashamed to show my face in public. I waited until after dark to go to an ATM. Depression set in and I lost 20 lbs. I entered my version of what Saint John of the Cross called, The Dark Night of the Soul.”

I didn’t want to go to church or have anything to do with God. He was a mean, vindictive judge. God was punishing me for my sin. I could no longer feel his presence and, quite honestly, I’m not sure I wanted to. While I had shown grace to so many, there was none for me.

Then I started to reflect. With the help of a wonderful therapist (whom I still see), I began to gain some clarity. With Dr. Finley’s help, I began to see little glimpses of God’s grace. I began to understand myself and find the answers I had searched for all my life. Answers to questions I had always been afraid to ask. I was promoted at work to a management position after only 3 months on the job. My wife began to come into her own. Joyce became her own person and started to assist other wives whose husbands had been unfaithful or were sexually addicted.

I started to write again. Articles that expressed my state of understanding. Some of the titles include, All That Awaits Me, Difficult Thoughts, Duplicity, Gotta Ask, How the Mighty Have Fallen, I Just Don’t Get It, Sitting In your Pews, My Cold Black Heart, The Tamer of the Beast and The Long Road Back

Then God began to speak to me again. He was probably speaking to me all the time but I didn’t have ears to hear. One day I wrote a lament about my tragic life and found God lovingly answered back. In my spiritual mind God said, “I had to strip you of all that you held dear in order to get your attention. The person you pretended to be had to be exposed so you would stop deceiving yourself. I know it is hard but it’s not because I don’t love you. In fact it is because I love you that the facade had to disappear.”

I understood that the duplicity in my life needed to be removed if I were to ever be one with Christ. Two masters can not be served; light and dark can not co-exist.

It is late on Saturday. The numbness of the moment has passed. I have become comfortable in my cloud of unknowing. I have so many answers - many more yet are to come. I am not satisfied where I am but have learned to be content with my progress. Progress, not perfection is my goal.

I have actually come to a point where I think I can begin to thank God for what has happened to me and in me. I can pray with the 14th Century mystic, “That which I am and the way that I am, with all my gifts of nature and grace you have given to me, Oh Lord, I offer it all to you principally to praise you and to help my fellow Christians and myself.”

It’s still Saturday and at times it still sucks, but Sunday’s coming. Perhaps then I‘ll be able to look back and say “Ahh, it was a Good Friday after all.”

If you’d like to know more, or if there are those who would be helped by sharing our story, please feel free to contact us.

Al Wise
(310) 766-4731, alwise2@aol.com
Joyce Wise
(310) 766-4730, joyce@awomanshealingjourney.com
February 2009

Will You Be Our Friend?

2009-01-21T17:18:00.000-06:00

A Woman’s Healing Journey is now member to many social websites. Would you be our friend and connect with us in cyberspace? Just click on a link below to connect with us.

] MySpace

] MyChurch

] LinkedIn

] Twitter

Survey: Online Forums/Community

2009-01-14T17:16:00.000-06:00

A Woman’s Healing Journey is planning a new online community in 2009. We currently have the online forums running, but there is a demand for something greater.

Will you help us develop this new community for wives of sex addicts?

] Participate in a quick survey

2009-01-14T11:10:00.002-06:00

I recently discovered the "wonderful world of Facebook". For the last year, since my husband's disclosure, I have felt isolated and forgotten. We had pastored a large protestant church in our community for 17 years and my husband had been a leader in our denomination, yet few reach out to him and virtually no one reached out to me. I describe the feeling as being erased.

On the urging of my husband I joined Facebook. His thought was that by joining I could view his site and that would make me feel ok about the people he had as friends. Within hours of joining, I was reconnected to the outside world. Old friends, caring and curiosity seekers alike, sought to be my "Facebook friend". My husband and I decided to be very bold and truthful on our sites. We are speaking out about same-sex attraction issues and how recovery is possible. We are eager to reach out to other couples that are suffering from the same-sex attraction issues. We can make it through with a willing heart, a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, and love for each other. Whether same-sex feelings go away or not, we are called to love one another. I was reminded this morning, while I was reading the Love Dare, that "love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open".

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Much Love to you all,
Joyce

Just Thinking . . . By Coach Joyce

2009-01-12T00:25:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about this past year and frankly, I'm so glad it's over!
This begins a New Day. A new journal and a new attitude towards my marriage. I have asked God for new opportunities and new vision for the year. I have chosen this scripture as my life verse for the year to:

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the
creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and
his understanding NO ONE can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and
increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and
young men stumble and fall; BUT those who hope in the Lord WILL renew
their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run
and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40: 28-31 NIV

My prayer is that God will teach me to wait on Him and rely on Him as my source of all my needs. Al belongs to Him and He has to take care of Al - I can't do anything about this situation but trust that God has things in control. I just have to WAIT!

Don't I sound like a different person - AMAZING! God has really beenworking on my heart. Fortunately, I have made a choice to submit to my Lord. I'm so tired of thinking about "my pain". I need to move beyond this. Yesterday I decided to reflect on what I've learned this past year. I have come up with 25 items that I have been taught.
1) Keep your eyes on God;
2) Study to understand;
3) Don't take (accept) other people's labels just
because they have initials after their
names;
4) You don't have to have your situation put in a
box;
5) Don't let the world, books, or any other person
dictate how should feel, act, or respond;
6) Learn to be Ok with yourself;
7) Do things you wouldn't normally do and learn from
them;
8) Love anyway!
9) Its Ok to feel;
10) God will never leave or forsake you even when
you've forsaken yourself;
11) When the help that you sought gives you bad advice –
you don't have to take it! Get mad enough to refuse
to be put in a mold. Your behavior,
reactions, and eventual recovery has to be
individualized.
12) As Winston Churchill said; "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER GIVE UP!"
13) God is all sufficient. He really does care and He
really does have a plan.
14) Be careful who you trust. Just because they say they
care or are your friend doesn't mean they really
are!
15) Be slow to judge others;
16) Even the suckiest situation can have a positive
outcome;
17) Learn to wait;
18) Emotional pain comes in all sizes and shapes - be
careful how you react and respond;
19) Be willing to care even when you don't
understand;
20) We are all imperfect frail human beings - Get over
it!
21) Love never gives up or "calls uncle";
22) Learn to discern - not all tools are the right ones
for your situation;
23) Stop thinking so much about yourself and start
thinking about the other person;
24) Pray everyday for your husband (wife). Bring them
before the Lord.
25) If you can't sleep, use the time for prayer,
reading, journaling - what ever you have to do to
make it a positive time for you. What Satan means
for evil, God can make good!!!

I thought I'd share these revelations with you. I hope you all have awonderful New Year and that God gives you revelations and strength to share them.

Celebrating 10 Years!

2009-01-07T17:13:00.002-06:00

This month, Marsha is celebrating the 10 year anniversary of Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars. Originally published in 1999, Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars helped wives of sex addicts deal with their husband’s acting out when talking about sexual addiction was taboo in the church!

Since 1999, thousands of copies of Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars have sold. The church has recognized sexual immorality as a serious problem. And Marsha has personally helped thousands of women through her books, speaking engagements, coaching, support groups, and website.

In honor of the 10 year anniversary, A Woman’s Healing Journey is offering both Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars and the Partner’s Healing Journey workbook for $10 each. If you already have a copy, purchase another and donate it to your church library to help other women seeking hope in a painful time in their lives.

What's Love All About Anyway?

2008-12-16T10:35:00.002-06:00

What’s Love All About Anyway?

Over the past year I’ve asked this question many times. It was hard for me to believe that a man, who loved me and married me, would take our vows so lightly.

My husband is a sex addict. I had no idea! I thought that he was totally “sold out for God” and that he was so much more worthy than I. My husband pastored a large church in our area and was a community leader. We were both very well thought of and often looked like the “perfect family”. I had no idea that my husband had struggled with sexual torment most of his life.

As a very young boy my husband suffered from emotional, physical abuse and at the age of 12 years he learned to masturbate. He felt comfort from this act and has carried on with this practice our entire married life. He doesn’t have an issue with porn, but he fantasizes about men while comforting himself during times of stress and anxiety. Yes, my husband is attracted to men; yet he loves me and wants to stay with me and I want to be with him. After 29 years how can I not love him? To be very honest, I’m getting tired of my story. I just want to get on with things. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has forgiven their husband and wants desperately to go on with our lives.

I’ve been reading the Love Dare, by Stephen & Alex Kendrick. I’ve tired to implement some of the suggestions from each chapter, but as I read, I realized that I started doing this things at the time of disclosure. It’s been 18 months now. I’ve done everything with-in my ability to correct my part of a wrong; yet here I still stand waiting…

Love is not something that comes from us; it only comes from God. It’s giving when you have nothing left to give; forgiving when forgiveness is not deserved; trusting when trusting seems to be an impossible thing to do.

I wonder how many of you feel like I do. I’d love to hear your opinion about what you have learned about love while you’ve been traveling this road.

Christmas Special ] Workbook for Wives of Sex Addicts

2008-12-15T01:57:00.000-06:00

http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/booksandresources/partnershealingjourney.php

Let the first Christmas be your guide ....

2008-12-08T14:50:00.002-06:00

By Coach Brenda

Let the first Christmas be your guide as you enter this holiday season. No, I'm not suggesting that you decide to take a long journey on the back of sub par transportation and sleep overnight in the parking garage of an inn, entertaining strange dignitaries against a background of heralding heavenly beings. What I am talking about is this..

Life dealt Mary what appeared to be an unfair hand. Being found with child in an unmarried state was not the life that Mary had dreamed of. The circumstances that Mary found herself in were not easily understood by her family and friends. Living in a small village meant that her community--her social, spiritual, and family circles--would all have known that she was pregnant without the benefit of a husband. Mary was undoubtedly faced with rumors, whisperings, finger pointing and judgments. Additionally, the man that she loved--Joseph, was being advised by friends to leave her and have her put quietly away.

No doubt you can identify with being handed something which by all appearances looks like your own unfair hand. Your little girl dreams did not prepare you for the land of betrayal and lies, for the unwilling sharing of your prince charming with hideous and disfigured ghosts and ghouls. Your life has been changed by decisions and circumstances that were unknown to you and for which you were not consulted. People who you once knew as friends and family are now distant or have taken on roles that are not supportive, which leaves you feeling further betrayed, alienated and alone.

From Mary we learn that sometimes only God can know and understand the truth about what is really going on in our lives. Like Mary we can decide who we want to be in spite of our circumstances and determine to act out of those decisions. Like Mary we can trust God for our futures even though the present feels unsure. Like Mary we can know that God's best is at work in our lives even when life is at its worst.

I think there is another important message here for us in that the first Christmas was one of humble simplicity. As we think about all that we have done in the past to create the perfect Christmases for our families and friends, I want to challenge you to think of ways to save the essence of the day without having to busy yourself with the trappings. As Christmas was an expression of God's grace to the world how can you express grace to yourself as you go about making decisions on what you will give of yourself to your family and friends?

The holiday after I found out that my husband had been involved with three different women--one for over four years, I decided to order our holiday dinner from a local grocer. My emotional energy was spent and I did not have the energy to put on our normal holiday fare. I decided to honor the place that my life had been placed in by keeping things very simple and not adding any more stress to an already overly stressed situation.

Determine now what your priorities will be and maximize the energy that you have in spending time only on those things that are most important to you. This may mean that you forgo traditions, parties or gatherings with people or organizations that are farther down your priority list or may have fallen off your list completely. This may mean that you decide not to spend time with family or friends who are not supportive of your current state or who have historically been an energy drain. Determine this year to pay special attention to those things that you most need and want.

This may be a good time to decide once and for all that you are hanging up or burning your people-pleaser hat as a gift to yourself. Your life has changed so don't present a lie to the world by pretending that it hasn't. Embrace this new place as a new beginning. Use this time to nurture the hurting places in your life and to work towards creating a support structure that makes sense to you and from which you can gain lifeMary's story was part of a work that God put into play to redeem a broken and fallen world. This chapter of the story of your life has not taken God by surprise. God still redeems the broken and fallen and He does his best work in those situations which the world has deemed impossible. Determine this year to wrap up all of those impossibilities with which you are now faced and present them to the One that can redeem them into something wonderful and new.

Are You Ashamed of Your Story?

2008-12-02T10:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Friend,

Do the details of your husband’s addiction and the “stain” it spilled on your story cause you to feel shame and make you want to hide your pain because you fear others discovering your new reality? Many of us respond that way, even though to do so heightens our isolation and suffering and blocks our journey toward new hope and healing.

But not long ago I “met”—via the Internet—an amazing woman named Katherine who rose above the shame, fear and isolation her husband’s addiction catapulted into her life, and she now uses her story to touch the lives of other hurting women with understanding, courage and love. Whether you still fear discovery, or you long to discover purpose and meaning in your pain, I want to share an exchange I had with Katherine because it reflects a beautiful life-lesson for all of us:

Marsha,
One of the things I feel the Lord pressing on me is to take ‘ownership' of my story. For close to 3 years, I felt like I was going to 'wake up’ from my life. I so remember those times when I would be afraid to bump into anyone I knew. I remember feeling like a scared animal when going shopping and wanting to, needing to leave the store if I happen to see anyone who would recognize me. Over the last year, the Lord has brought much healing. I know that all of this has a purpose and fits into His plan. Using my real name in my story allows me to accept the plan that God has for me. This is my life and I don't feel the shame of it like I did. I see God's hand in it and I want to make Him proud of me.
~ Katherine

Katherine,
I've thought so much about what you wrote about taking ownership of your story. One reason it felt important to me is because one of the steps in healing from trauma requires that we integrate the traumatic events into our over-all life story. I think that is what I hear you doing. How wonderful that you no longer feel the shame you once did about this aspect of your story. The second reason is because you believe that all of this has a purpose. That is amazing, Katherine, because it tells me that you see that God doesn't waste anything in our lives if we surrender it to him, even the seeming garbage of our lives. I've begun to realize that what we thought was waste--even outright trash--gets recycled by God and put to a glorified purpose if we can come to the place you have. I pray that He will bless you for how you are doing this in your life. Thank you for lighting the way for others who need a guide.
~ Marsha

If you are reading this and you are where Katherine once was—still thinking, or hoping, that you will wake up from the nightmare that her life had become—please know that there is hope for you, too. Katherine has what I think of as a “big” story, and it was splashed all over the town where she lived. Yet by taking the necessary steps to seek out and move through a healing process, in just a few years Katherine has gone from wanting to hide, to regularly facilitating a support group for other partners of sex addicts, and teaching and sharing in a large prayer ministry near her home in Canada. Katherine’s new purpose is leading the hurting towards hope and healing.

Our prayer for you is that you, too, will reach out and connect with other women who understand your pain, and that you will commit to a process that can move you through the healing steps required to integrate the trauma into the fabric of your life. Who knows what plan God might have to use your whole story for his higher purpose?

] Read stories from other wives of sex addicts
] Share your story anonymously

Ice Fishing

2008-12-01T22:38:00.002-06:00

By: Coach Christy

I live in Minnesota, and an amazing phenomenon occurs every winter. Our 10,000 lakes become populated with virtual towns as the ice fishing season begins. You can even have a pizza delivered to your ice house.

I will never understand ice fishing. I am not native to Minnesota, and I cannot see the sense in sitting out on a frozen lake waiting for the fish to bite. More so are the countless stories at the beginning and end of each ice fishing season about cars and trucks going though the ice from trying to go out too soon or stay out too long. You would think that people would learn from the mistakes of others - or even from their own, but it happens multiple times every year. Most of the time, the driver is the only person in the vehicle, but at times, others - family, children, friends - also have to be pulled out of the freezing water to safety.

Addiction is much the same. The addict no doubt hears - and may even witness - the pitfalls of addiction. They are in some way aware of the damage it can do and the consequences that are out there. But for some reason they think that they will be different. It won't happen to them. The next thing they know, they are sinking down into the murky water of their own making. And it is rare that the addict is the only one to suffer the consequences of their choices.

Each of us has been pulled down into the mire of our spouse's addiction through no choice of our own. We have struggled to keep our heads above water. This is why our ministry exists - to help women navigate their way back to shore and recover from their husband's painful, dangerous choices. The addict may still chose to drive out on the thin, cracking ice - but we do have a choice whether or not to go with them.

It is my prayer for every woman dealing with a sexually addicted spouse to be able to find and cling to their Lifeline - Jesus. He will not abandon you to the depths. Also, if you have not done so already, seek out a healthy support group to walk with you through this difficult and painful time. You are not alone.

Email Coach Christy at christy@awomanshealingjourney.com

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE… By Coach Joyce

2008-11-22T23:22:00.002-06:00

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE…

Everyday we are faced with problems and issues that reach deep down in our souls and affect our lives. One such event is finding out that the man we’ve trusted as our friend, lover and spiritual head, has betrayed the vow that he made to us. Your world is suddenly ripped from its orbit and you are cast into the depths of self-doubt and despair. Frankly, I wondered if my marriage was worth it and if my world would ever find its way back to the galaxy it came from. I am still in the process of finding my place. I have come to realize that I will have a long journey ahead of me.

I haven’t been on this journey very long. Last August, my husband admitted his infidelity to me. His admission came as a result of an accountability partner betraying his trust. Earlier in the year he allowed someone to make physical advances to him and he didn’t stop them. At the point of this “Big Reveal”, my husband had struggled with what had happened for six months. With tears in his eyes and his head bowed in shame he told me what had happened. I felt so sorrowful as he told me what had happened. At the end of his story he said, “I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I’ve really messed everything up. I’ll leave right now if you want me to, you have every right”. My heart broke for him. I ran to his side and gave him a hug and affirmation of my love and faithfulness to him. I assured him that I didn’t want him to leave and that we would go through whatever we had to go through together. I felt that the revealing of truth would light the darkness that he had felt for so many months. I had no concept regarding the journey that I was about to begin.

As time progressed, I began to experience some very “faulty thinking”. I began to exaggerate the scope of my situation and react in some very destructive negative ways. I allowed my circumstances to dictate my mood and behavior. I opened the door for Satan to have a “field-day” with my life. I engaged in negative “self-talk” and destructive behavior that demonstrated spiritual immaturity, emotional turmoil, further impairing my relationship with my husband which resulted in stunting his progress in restorative therapy. Oh the power of thought!
I convinced myself that he had never been honest with me and that I would never be able to trust him again. I knew that he didn’t love me and probably never did. I convinced myself that the only reason he ever married me is because I could make lots of money working and that was all I meant to him, a “meal-ticket”. Notice the “all-encompassing” terms? If you have been using terms like, never, and always, chances are that you are beginning down the same road I’ve been traveling and I’d like to share some “tips for the trip”!
Realize the fact that what we think or tell ourselves about what we are going through doesn’t always square-up with reality. Faulty thinking, or “stinking thinking”, is “the belief that what happens on the outside is the cause of emotional or behavioral reactions, (Thurman, 2008)”. When you find yourself using faulty thinking, stop and use the TRUTH model to develop healthy thinking.
T – Trigger event – An event or life situation that happens to us
Determine the weight of the event. Some events are nickel events
While others are $500.00 events

R – Wrong thinking – Thoughts about the event that are faulty
Giving more value to an event than the event warrants

U – Unhealthy response – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are unhealthy
Slamming doors, using words to hurt the other person, acting out

T – Truth – The reality about the situation
Challenge the faulty thinking with the truth, clarify the situation

H – Healthy reactions – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are healthy
Realize that you don’t have to be held captive by lies
(Thurman, 2008)
It is essential that we learn to develop the mind of Christ. Philippians 4:8 reminds us that, “Whatever is TRUE, think on these things.” The negative effects of faulty thinking can be reversed if we identify the lies that we are telling ourselves, use the TRUTH model to track events, emotional reactions, and evaluate the lies that develop between events and emotional reactions. Be patient, sow truth daily with God’s help, and eventually you will reap healthy emotional reactions. Deeply embedded ways of thinking take time to change. Truth, when believed and practiced, sets us free.

Your Trauma Has Found A Voice!

2008-11-01T03:49:00.001-05:00

September ‘09 Target Release Date for
Through A Trauma Lens:
Sexual Addiction’s Traumatic Impact On Partners

by Marsha Means, M.A.

Trauma. You’ve undoubtedly felt its excruciating pain as a result of your husband’s sex addiction. And you’re likely intimately acquainted with the roller coaster emotions that follow sex addiction’s discovery; the careening emotions that can plunge you into depression’s darkest recesses or catapult you to heights of anxiety you’ve never before experienced. We’ve heard women express it in thousands of ways. Listen to a few of them describe it in their own words:

I threw up; couldn’t sleep; couldn’t eat. I cried constantly. I felt horror, anger, rage, terror, fury at God.
You know that picture of the airplane hitting the tower in New York City? That’s what it’s like in my life.
I have been having daily Migraines and I’m terrified. I know this will sound silly but I am even sleeping with my Bible.

When I first discovered all this I went into the bedroom where his clothes were hanging and ripped them off of the hangers and threw them, screaming “Who were you?” Am I mourning the death of the man I loved, or am I mourning the discovery that the man I loved never existed?

It's like hanging upside down and not being able to right myself. It's being stabbed over and over again and trying to find solid ground under the slippery pool of my own blood; most of the time it's laying in a shallow grave as most of me dies.

Trauma. You can feel it in these women’s words, can’t you? But what many of you haven’t felt is true understanding and empathy from others who recognize and understand your trauma; others who are equipped and willing to help you heal from it. And that’s why we are so excited to make this announcement about our next book, Through A Trauma Lens: Sexual Addiction’s Traumatic Impact On Partners. Our book has found a home with New Horizon Press and has a target release date of September 2009!

This means that if all goes as planned you will be able to buy your own copy just eleven months from now. It also means that my co-author, Barb Steffens, PhD, and I—along with New Horizon Press—will be doing everything possible to get the word out so that more clergy, counselors, doctors, and ordinary people begin to “get it.” Our passion is to represent you and the pain you’ve experienced to those who can help you feel understood and heard, and who can then walk you through your healing journey to wholeness, whether the man in your life decides to change or not.

We invite you to participate in this project with us by praying for us as we work hard to meet a very short January 2nd completion date while continuing to respond to hurting women via email, phone calls, support groups and one-on-one sessions.

We also invite you to participate by taking part in our anonymous trauma survey. You will find the link to the online survey at this end of this article. Because our book will be filled with women’s trauma experiences we need anonymous stories from women like you that we can weave into the writing. So if you would like to help the world understand the traumatic impact sex addiction had on you—and by sharing help people understand it’s traumatic impact on partners in general—click on the link below and pour out your heart. For women around the world we say “Thank you.”

] Participate in Trauma Survey

Did Jesus Heal Marriages?

2008-10-28T14:39:00.000-05:00

by Coach Christy
In a recent Boundaries Group we discussed the challenges we women face when we attempt to draw boundaries with our sexually addicted husbands. We felt sad that women so often experience strong resistance not only from their husbands, but also from their church community even though boundaries are healthy, important, and necessary—especially with a sex addict. But in spite of their importance, women are often told that boundaries run counter to submission. As we discussed this too-frequent reality, we realized that often Christians—though well intentioned—at times become so eager to heal a marriage they overlook the need for healing of the individuals in that marriage.

As I listened to the group members talk about their failed attempts to enlist their pastor’s or elders’ help in confronting their husband’s sexual sin, I began to wonder how Christ would respond if he still walked the Earth. And then it occurred to me that nowhere in the Bible—nowhere in all the accounts of Christ’s miracles and healings—is there even one account of Jesus healing a marriage. Not a single one. Every account of healing written in Scripture consists of Jesus and an individual or group of individuals. But nowhere is there documented a miracle involving a marriage.

That does not mean that Jesus never healed a marriage; I have no doubt He did. But I believe the emphasis on the individual, one-on-one healing experiences is very significant. Jesus was concerned with the individual. He did not wait to heal people until their spouse was present. Nor did he tell a wife to read scripture, have more faith, and be more submissive so her husband could be healed. Neither did he blame one person for another’s sin or affliction. He had compassion on each individual and healed them, just as he died for each individual.

Does this mean healing marriages isn’t important? Absolutely not. Everything we do at A Woman’s Healing Journey comes from our strong desire to try to help you save your marriage. We women love our husbands, and we recognize our marriages are sacred institutions. Yet we seek to never forget that a marriage is comprised of two individuals. Two individuals who need their own healing, and two individuals whom God holds individually responsible for their walk with him. A marriage cannot be healed unless the individuals in that marriage want, seek, and pursue their own healing.

A three-legged stool provides one picture of marriage; one leg represents the husband; another the wife; and the third, God. All three legs are necessary for the marriage to stand. If one leg breaks, the stool topples. But when sex addiction becomes a part of a marriage, two legs break because the husband’s sin breaks his wife’s heart. There can be no hope of making the stool stand again without repairing—or healing—both of the legs. And only the Master Builder can fix them. But even he cannot do it unless both legs submit to His healing process.
Where does that leave us if our husband is not presently interested in his own healing? We can act on our individual requirement to seek healing for ourselves, and we can ask God to use that process to cause our husbands to yearn for their own healing. One valuable component of that process in our lives includes Biblical boundaries. So often we learn to draw healthy, appropriate boundaries we see our husbands become willing to surrender to their own healing process. And when that happens, healing for our marriage becomes a very real possibility!

] Learn more about Boundaries Support Groups for wives of sex addicts

Two Support Groups Starting Next Week

2008-08-14T12:20:00.003-05:00

Marsha Means, M.A., author, speaker, counselor, and former spouse of a sex addict is starting 2 new telephone support groups for wives of sex addicts.

Marsha will help you through the trauma and start you on your healing journey!

For 12-weeks, starting the date and time you select, you will meet with Marsha and your group for an hour and a half.

] Complete Information and Upcoming Registration Dates

Other Counseling Options include:

] One-on-One Coaching Session with Marsha

] Self-led Workbook by Marsha or Marsha's book, Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars

] Ask Marsha, a feature that connects you with Marsha by email to answer a question about your husband's addiction that might be on your mind

Healing: God, Choice, Relationships, Process

2008-08-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

As I listen to hurting women share the heartache that comes with loving a sex addict, there are days when I feel as if I have been ministering beside the pool at Bethesda in Jerusalem, surrounded by the sick, the broken, and the dying. At those times I am reminded of the crippled man who had lived beside the pool for thirty-eight long years, waiting and hoping for his healing. And then one glorious day in his life Jesus came, and he walked straight toward the crippled man lying on there on his mat, right where he’d been for the last thirty-eight years, clinging to the ragged edges of his hope. But Jesus did not just miraculously touch him and give him a new body; instead he asked a question, and a rather strange question at that. He asked, “Do you want to get well?” Apparently healing was available to him, but he had to supply the “want-to” if he wanted to be whole. I believe there is a lesson in that picture for us: healing is a choice.

Healing is a Choice

I have never met a partner of a sex addict who did not want to heal. No one in their right mind would choose to hurt this way. Yet even in our desire for healing we sometimes fail to recognize that our want-to must include our action. Though I am a firm believe in salvation through faith, God’s Word tells us that “Faith without works is dead.” And so I believe it is with the healing of our broken hearts and broken lives; we must search out the resources we need to heal, then pick up the phone and make those calls until we find a place to connect for our healing.

Healing Requires Relationship

Healing rarely happens in a world of one. God is a very relational God, and that’s the way he designed us: to hunger and thirst for relationship and connection; for places to be known, yet loved and accepted. Places where we can bring our deepest pain and be heard in love. Places where others will gently hold up a mirror so they can reflect back to us what they hear and see in our words and countenance.

And those are the kinds of relationships that enable us to begin our healing journey so we don’t waste long years of our lives stranded—like the crippled man beside the pool—without hope or help for decades of our lives. Connection and caring from other women who understand can make all the difference in our lives. Two recent quotes from women in support groups illustrate this point. The first is from a woman whose losses and heartbreak have been far greater than my own, yet she is valiantly fighting to heal. Recently while she shared newly discovered painful information with us she said with great emphasis: “There’s no other place in the whole world where I could say this stuff that I’m saying to you all right now! I’m so glad I have you in my life.”

The second is from a woman on a different continent far, far from the United States. So far in fact that she has to dial into the conference call line to “meet” with our group in the middle of the night! Yet she’s there, putting action to her healing, even in her grogginess. Just last week at the end of a call as she said her “group goodbye” she said: “Thank you all for supporting me the way you do. You’re all truly beautiful!”

Healing is a Process

But just getting together to talk with other hurting partners would not take us very far toward our healing without a healing process. It’s the WANT-TO + RELATIONSHIP + A HEALING PROCESS that helps make healing happen. And of course, God. He is the author of our healing on every level, so even as we use materials that provide a healing process for partners of sex addicts, we incorporate God’s healing love throughout.

As you consider your own healing and where you are in that process, reflect on the following words from a recent group member who has greatly benefited from the blending of these healing components. As you read her words think about whether or not you need to take new action to move further along in your own healing journey.

“I thank God that he allowed me to find you. You have given me hope; you have been able to taste the salt of my tears. You were compassionate. You listened and cared. At first you didn’t mix other stuff in…you just listened. Your compassion gave me hope. Then you gently brought in the truth, gradually, a little at a time, and with each new piece of truth comes new revelation that enables me to “get it,” and to slowly begin to make healthier choices in my life.”

] Information about Support Groups for Wives of Sex Addicts

Boundaries Support Group starts Thursday!

2008-07-29T13:10:00.001-05:00

Don't miss our first Boundaries support group ...

When we live with an addict of any kind, boundaries become particularly important. But when we live with a sex addict, they become imperative!

We are excited that Christy, a certified Coach, is here to help partners develop or hone essential boundaries skills using the Boundaries materials.

Learn to set clear boundaries in your life
Establish what you are or are not responsible for
Protect yourself using physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries

The next Boundaries group starts on Thursday, July 31st at 10:00 am (Central Standard Time).This group will meet each Thursday for 14 weeks!

We limit this group to 5 wives of sex addicts and only have 3 open seats!

] Register for the next Boundaries group

You will need the Boundaries book and workbook by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend for this group. If you cannot attend the next group, you can still get the book and workbook (below) and familiarize yourself with the materials to attend a future group.

] Order the Boundaries book and workbook on Amazon

Welcome, Christy, & New Boundaries Telephone Support Groups

2008-07-11T13:43:00.000-05:00

A Woman’s Healing Journey welcomes a new ministry team member, Coach Christy! A friend of Marsha’s since 2001, Christy comes with a strong recovery journey of her own and years of practice walking alongside other hurting women. You can learn more about Christy in her bio.

We're delighted to announce that Christy will launch our first Boundaries Telephone Support Group this month, enabling us to offer this much-needed curriculum to partners of sex addicts.
When we live with an addict of any kind, boundaries become particularly important. But when we live with a sex addict, they become imperative! We are excited to announce that with Christy on board we can now help partners develop or hone essential boundaries skills.

You can learn more about the Boundaries groups based on Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s wonderful book and workbook. These groups will follow the same format used in the Partner’s Healing Journey telephone support groups, enabling us to keep the groups small so each participant has plenty of time to share and integrate the material into her life.

We are excited that God is allowing us to walk alongside an increasing number of hurting women with our expanding ministry team. In the months to come, watch for other new resources led by Christy at www.awomanshealingjourney.com. Join us in welcoming Christy on board!

] Learn about the Boundaries Support Group coming up
] Learn more about Christy, facilitator of the Boundaries Support Group

Through the Valley of the Shadows

2008-06-12T22:42:00.005-05:00

Through the Valley of the Shadows...

Shared with Marsha by Kristi, a Sister on this journey

I am comforted by the well-known words in Psalm 23. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me . . ." It's interesting that the Psalmist calls it the valley of the "shadow" of death.

When I was a little girl, I remember how I would get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and sometimes be scared of shadowy shapes I saw in my room and down the hallway. I used to see "elephants" in my closet, "snakes" on the floor (dirty socks!) and I once saw a "robber with a gun" in the hallway.

Each time I cried out my dad would come see what was wrong. As soon as he turned on the light, the scary shapes were gone and I saw them for what they were. The "robber in the hall with a gun" was a laundry basket I had played with and left turned upside down with a broom handle sticking out!

Yet even as he talks about the shadow of death, the Psalmist acknowledges that there is evil in the world when he uses the phrasel "fear no evil". On this journey through a broken world filled with sexual addiction, we know there is evil. We've come face to face with it; been knocked down by it; been hurt by it. My comfort and strength is in knowing that the Light--my Heavenly Father--exposes evil for what it is, and its power begins to pale and shrivel in the powerful presence of THE LIGHT. Just as my earthy father's presence turned a robbers with a gun into a laundry basket with a broom, so too my Heavenly Father's light and presence reveals that I pass through only shadows of death on my journey here because as his daughter, I have eternal life. I will never die!

Groundbreaking Book for Wives Released

2008-05-16T12:12:00.000-05:00

Wives Dealing with Sexual Betrayal Can Survive
Dr. Barbara Stephens and Marsha Means, M.A. have released the first chapter of their new book focusing on the trauma and post traumatic stress wives of sex addicts experience.

Sexual addiction is a growing epidemic in our society due to several factors, including a sexually saturated media. Many men (and women) act out through extra-marital affairs, prostitution, obsessive masturbation, and addiction to internet relationships and pornography.

“I felt like I had no idea who he was. Information came out slowly and there were layers upon layers of lies that he told to conceal the level of his addiction. I had no idea who my husband was and it scared me … My world that had seemed so secure, was completely falling apart,” explains one wife.

Dr. Barbara Stephens conducted pioneering research into the trauma that sexual betrayal brings to a wife. Her studies indicated that a high percentage of women suffer from trauma and post traumatic stress.

Marsha Means, M.A. is a counselor, author, and former wife of a sex addict. Over the past fifteen years she has counseled thousands of women dealing with their husband’s sexual acting out.

Now, Dr. Stephens has joined forces with Marsha Means, M.A. to author “Through A Trauma Lens: Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma”. These experienced counselors provide researched insight into the devastating pain and confusing symptoms women experience when faced with this addiction.

The first chapter of “Through A Trauma Lens: Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma” is available online at http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/booksandresources/index.php. The full edition is scheduled to be released later this year.

2008-05-10T11:42:00.001-05:00

The Joys & Gems in the Rubble of Sex Addiction

Discovering sex addiction in your marriage hurts like no other pain experienced in life. It stabs; pierces; rips; shreds; and destroys your dreams and beliefs about your most sacred bond with another human being. Yet this side of my own heartache and loss, every day of my life I am privileged to find beautiful gems in the devastation and rubble of other women’s broken lives and dreams. Each day I learn anew that the world is full of wonderful, amazing women, though many of you are temporarily out of touch with your own miraculous beauty, value, and worth.

One of my greatest pleasures in life comes from listening to women’s stories, letting them pour out the pain they are presently enduring, then walking with them for several months as I seek to guide them on their own journey toward healing, renewed belief in themselves, and a new dream for a life filled with joy and purpose, even if their husbands don't choose that path along with them.

I have the wonderful joy of helping this healing happen in loving community; in small, safe, confidential groups that grow to love you. This "family of sisters" provides the ideal community for healing the heartbreak sex addiction brings. Women "...need to be frequently reminded of who they are by those who love them," write the authors of Living from the Heart that Jesus Gave You. They "...need real, live, loving spiritual families to heal, to grow and to thrive."

And in that environment anything becomes possible--even beginning to see yourself the way I see you--the way God sees you: as a precious, beautiful, sparkling gem with incredible value and worth, no longer defined by your husband's mistakes and choices. "Once people know who they truly are and understand the power and beauty of their God-given characteristics, their passion, purpose, talents, and pain will all come together and begin to define specifically who they are," continue the authors quoted above.

I guess you could say I've become a gemologist who finds magnificent stones in the strangest of places! My prayer for you is that you will one day be able to see yourself as I see you--and as God sees you: as the beautiful, rare, valuable gem whom God has gifted with a unique story and a very special life-purpose.

May 2008 Newsletter for Spouses of Sex Addicts

2008-05-06T15:34:00.001-05:00

The Goose & the Power of the Group

Day after day I encounter trauma in the lives of hurting women—women who’ve experienced sexual betrayal from the man they love. In each of their voices and each of their stories I hear the raw, searing pain that comes with the discovery that much of what they have believed about their lives is not real. None of us is equipped to face, endure, process, and heal from such gut-level agony on our own.

Over the years I have come to see that the very best way to heal from the overwhelming trauma caused by sexual betrayal is in the company of a few other women who are sisters on this particular journey. We desperately need each other and the “power of the group” to make it through our healing process and whatever lies ahead. In a group with a guided healing process we begin to recognize we are not alone; it is not about us; and we do not have to be victims, among many other things.
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NEW! Preview Edition ...Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma

Preview Marsha's new book with co-author Barb Steffens, Ph. D. These two counseling professionals shed light on the trauma you endure from your partner's sexual behavior."We understand that your pain is traumatic, and we're pleased to provide the first book that addresses your pain through a trauma lens and provides a route to healing, no matter what choices your husband makes." – Marsha Means, MA
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The Power of Story

2008-04-13T13:12:00.004-05:00

The Power of Story

Everyday I am reminded of the power contained in our stories as new wome share chapters of their stories with me through email and telephone. And though the stories I hear contain heartache, loss, and often very little hope, I love hearing them because across the decades of my own story God has taught me that our healing begins with our stories.

But I've also learned not every one agrees with me. I encountered a fresh reminder of that reality recently when I invited someone dear to me to use her talent and story to help other hurting women by using the pain in her past. Afterall, I thought, she survived her own painful loss and went on to rebuild her life--a life full of love and new beginnings. I felt dissapointment when she wrote back that she was willing as long as she wouldn't have to "rehash" her past. "I'm really not into that stuff," she wrote. "I feel like letting bygones be bygones and using one's life challenges as opportunities for growth."

While I agree that our challenges serve as opportunities for growth, this young woman missed the heart of my invitation and my life message: God wants to use our challenges not only as opportunities for our growth, but also as opportunities for others' healing and growth.

Hopefully in time she will experience the joy I am blessed with each day as I listen to miracles take place between the hearts of women who are willing to be vulnerably transparent with their stories. As they share--not the pretty, polished, I-look-really-good-parts--but the hurt, the loss, and yes even the mistakes, women find connection, support, and encouragement for the darkest days in their stories. In their sharing they become "Jesus with skin on" in one another's lives, and healing begins to take place.

That's what I call the Power of Story. That's what I call the miraculous!

Your Sister on this journey,

Marsha

Help for Spouses of Sex Addicts

2008-03-28T12:44:00.000-05:00

Greetings and welcome to "Help for Spouses of Sex Addicts" a new blog by Marsha Means, M.A. and A Woman's Healing Journey.

Marsha Means is an author, speaker, and counselor on the topic of dealing with your husband's sexual betrayal. She is also a former wife of a sex addict.

From porn addiction to use of prostitutes, Marsha has helped women to cope with their husband's sexual acting out. She formed A Woman's Healing Journey, an online organization that delivers healing and hope to women across the globe.

For more information, please visit www.awomanshealingjourney.com.