by Coach Christy
In a recent Boundaries Group we discussed the challenges we women face when we attempt to draw boundaries with our sexually addicted husbands. We felt sad that women so often experience strong resistance not only from their husbands, but also from their church community even though boundaries are healthy, important, and necessary—especially with a sex addict. But in spite of their importance, women are often told that boundaries run counter to submission. As we discussed this too-frequent reality, we realized that often Christians—though well intentioned—at times become so eager to heal a marriage they overlook the need for healing of the individuals in that marriage.
As I listened to the group members talk about their failed attempts to enlist their pastor’s or elders’ help in confronting their husband’s sexual sin, I began to wonder how Christ would respond if he still walked the Earth. And then it occurred to me that nowhere in the Bible—nowhere in all the accounts of Christ’s miracles and healings—is there even one account of Jesus healing a marriage. Not a single one. Every account of healing written in Scripture consists of Jesus and an individual or group of individuals. But nowhere is there documented a miracle involving a marriage.
That does not mean that Jesus never healed a marriage; I have no doubt He did. But I believe the emphasis on the individual, one-on-one healing experiences is very significant. Jesus was concerned with the individual. He did not wait to heal people until their spouse was present. Nor did he tell a wife to read scripture, have more faith, and be more submissive so her husband could be healed. Neither did he blame one person for another’s sin or affliction. He had compassion on each individual and healed them, just as he died for each individual.
Does this mean healing marriages isn’t important? Absolutely not. Everything we do at A Woman’s Healing Journey comes from our strong desire to try to help you save your marriage. We women love our husbands, and we recognize our marriages are sacred institutions. Yet we seek to never forget that a marriage is comprised of two individuals. Two individuals who need their own healing, and two individuals whom God holds individually responsible for their walk with him. A marriage cannot be healed unless the individuals in that marriage want, seek, and pursue their own healing.
A three-legged stool provides one picture of marriage; one leg represents the husband; another the wife; and the third, God. All three legs are necessary for the marriage to stand. If one leg breaks, the stool topples. But when sex addiction becomes a part of a marriage, two legs break because the husband’s sin breaks his wife’s heart. There can be no hope of making the stool stand again without repairing—or healing—both of the legs. And only the Master Builder can fix them. But even he cannot do it unless both legs submit to His healing process.
Where does that leave us if our husband is not presently interested in his own healing? We can act on our individual requirement to seek healing for ourselves, and we can ask God to use that process to cause our husbands to yearn for their own healing. One valuable component of that process in our lives includes Biblical boundaries. So often we learn to draw healthy, appropriate boundaries we see our husbands become willing to surrender to their own healing process. And when that happens, healing for our marriage becomes a very real possibility!
] Learn more about Boundaries Support Groups for wives of sex addicts
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Two Support Groups Starting Next Week
Marsha Means, M.A., author, speaker, counselor, and former spouse of a sex addict is starting 2 new telephone support groups for wives of sex addicts.
Marsha will help you through the trauma and start you on your healing journey!
For 12-weeks, starting the date and time you select, you will meet with Marsha and your group for an hour and a half.
] Complete Information and Upcoming Registration Dates
Other Counseling Options include:
] One-on-One Coaching Session with Marsha
] Self-led Workbook by Marsha or Marsha's book, Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars
Monday, August 4, 2008
Healing: God, Choice, Relationships, Process
As I listen to hurting women share the heartache that comes with loving a sex addict, there are days when I feel as if I have been ministering beside the pool at Bethesda in Jerusalem, surrounded by the sick, the broken, and the dying. At those times I am reminded of the crippled man who had lived beside the pool for thirty-eight long years, waiting and hoping for his healing. And then one glorious day in his life Jesus came, and he walked straight toward the crippled man lying on there on his mat, right where he’d been for the last thirty-eight years, clinging to the ragged edges of his hope. But Jesus did not just miraculously touch him and give him a new body; instead he asked a question, and a rather strange question at that. He asked, “Do you want to get well?” Apparently healing was available to him, but he had to supply the “want-to” if he wanted to be whole. I believe there is a lesson in that picture for us: healing is a choice.
Healing is a Choice
I have never met a partner of a sex addict who did not want to heal. No one in their right mind would choose to hurt this way. Yet even in our desire for healing we sometimes fail to recognize that our want-to must include our action. Though I am a firm believe in salvation through faith, God’s Word tells us that “Faith without works is dead.” And so I believe it is with the healing of our broken hearts and broken lives; we must search out the resources we need to heal, then pick up the phone and make those calls until we find a place to connect for our healing.
Healing Requires Relationship
Healing rarely happens in a world of one. God is a very relational God, and that’s the way he designed us: to hunger and thirst for relationship and connection; for places to be known, yet loved and accepted. Places where we can bring our deepest pain and be heard in love. Places where others will gently hold up a mirror so they can reflect back to us what they hear and see in our words and countenance.
And those are the kinds of relationships that enable us to begin our healing journey so we don’t waste long years of our lives stranded—like the crippled man beside the pool—without hope or help for decades of our lives. Connection and caring from other women who understand can make all the difference in our lives. Two recent quotes from women in support groups illustrate this point. The first is from a woman whose losses and heartbreak have been far greater than my own, yet she is valiantly fighting to heal. Recently while she shared newly discovered painful information with us she said with great emphasis: “There’s no other place in the whole world where I could say this stuff that I’m saying to you all right now! I’m so glad I have you in my life.”
The second is from a woman on a different continent far, far from the United States. So far in fact that she has to dial into the conference call line to “meet” with our group in the middle of the night! Yet she’s there, putting action to her healing, even in her grogginess. Just last week at the end of a call as she said her “group goodbye” she said: “Thank you all for supporting me the way you do. You’re all truly beautiful!”
Healing is a Process
But just getting together to talk with other hurting partners would not take us very far toward our healing without a healing process. It’s the WANT-TO + RELATIONSHIP + A HEALING PROCESS that helps make healing happen. And of course, God. He is the author of our healing on every level, so even as we use materials that provide a healing process for partners of sex addicts, we incorporate God’s healing love throughout.
As you consider your own healing and where you are in that process, reflect on the following words from a recent group member who has greatly benefited from the blending of these healing components. As you read her words think about whether or not you need to take new action to move further along in your own healing journey.
“I thank God that he allowed me to find you. You have given me hope; you have been able to taste the salt of my tears. You were compassionate. You listened and cared. At first you didn’t mix other stuff in…you just listened. Your compassion gave me hope. Then you gently brought in the truth, gradually, a little at a time, and with each new piece of truth comes new revelation that enables me to “get it,” and to slowly begin to make healthier choices in my life.”
Healing is a Choice
I have never met a partner of a sex addict who did not want to heal. No one in their right mind would choose to hurt this way. Yet even in our desire for healing we sometimes fail to recognize that our want-to must include our action. Though I am a firm believe in salvation through faith, God’s Word tells us that “Faith without works is dead.” And so I believe it is with the healing of our broken hearts and broken lives; we must search out the resources we need to heal, then pick up the phone and make those calls until we find a place to connect for our healing.
Healing Requires Relationship
Healing rarely happens in a world of one. God is a very relational God, and that’s the way he designed us: to hunger and thirst for relationship and connection; for places to be known, yet loved and accepted. Places where we can bring our deepest pain and be heard in love. Places where others will gently hold up a mirror so they can reflect back to us what they hear and see in our words and countenance.
And those are the kinds of relationships that enable us to begin our healing journey so we don’t waste long years of our lives stranded—like the crippled man beside the pool—without hope or help for decades of our lives. Connection and caring from other women who understand can make all the difference in our lives. Two recent quotes from women in support groups illustrate this point. The first is from a woman whose losses and heartbreak have been far greater than my own, yet she is valiantly fighting to heal. Recently while she shared newly discovered painful information with us she said with great emphasis: “There’s no other place in the whole world where I could say this stuff that I’m saying to you all right now! I’m so glad I have you in my life.”
The second is from a woman on a different continent far, far from the United States. So far in fact that she has to dial into the conference call line to “meet” with our group in the middle of the night! Yet she’s there, putting action to her healing, even in her grogginess. Just last week at the end of a call as she said her “group goodbye” she said: “Thank you all for supporting me the way you do. You’re all truly beautiful!”
Healing is a Process
But just getting together to talk with other hurting partners would not take us very far toward our healing without a healing process. It’s the WANT-TO + RELATIONSHIP + A HEALING PROCESS that helps make healing happen. And of course, God. He is the author of our healing on every level, so even as we use materials that provide a healing process for partners of sex addicts, we incorporate God’s healing love throughout.
As you consider your own healing and where you are in that process, reflect on the following words from a recent group member who has greatly benefited from the blending of these healing components. As you read her words think about whether or not you need to take new action to move further along in your own healing journey.
“I thank God that he allowed me to find you. You have given me hope; you have been able to taste the salt of my tears. You were compassionate. You listened and cared. At first you didn’t mix other stuff in…you just listened. Your compassion gave me hope. Then you gently brought in the truth, gradually, a little at a time, and with each new piece of truth comes new revelation that enables me to “get it,” and to slowly begin to make healthier choices in my life.”
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