What’s Love All About Anyway?
Over the past year I’ve asked this question many times. It was hard for me to believe that a man, who loved me and married me, would take our vows so lightly.
My husband is a sex addict. I had no idea! I thought that he was totally “sold out for God” and that he was so much more worthy than I. My husband pastored a large church in our area and was a community leader. We were both very well thought of and often looked like the “perfect family”. I had no idea that my husband had struggled with sexual torment most of his life.
As a very young boy my husband suffered from emotional, physical abuse and at the age of 12 years he learned to masturbate. He felt comfort from this act and has carried on with this practice our entire married life. He doesn’t have an issue with porn, but he fantasizes about men while comforting himself during times of stress and anxiety. Yes, my husband is attracted to men; yet he loves me and wants to stay with me and I want to be with him. After 29 years how can I not love him? To be very honest, I’m getting tired of my story. I just want to get on with things. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has forgiven their husband and wants desperately to go on with our lives.
I’ve been reading the Love Dare, by Stephen & Alex Kendrick. I’ve tired to implement some of the suggestions from each chapter, but as I read, I realized that I started doing this things at the time of disclosure. It’s been 18 months now. I’ve done everything with-in my ability to correct my part of a wrong; yet here I still stand waiting…
Love is not something that comes from us; it only comes from God. It’s giving when you have nothing left to give; forgiving when forgiveness is not deserved; trusting when trusting seems to be an impossible thing to do.
I wonder how many of you feel like I do. I’d love to hear your opinion about what you have learned about love while you’ve been traveling this road.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Let the first Christmas be your guide ....
By Coach Brenda
Let the first Christmas be your guide as you enter this holiday season. No, I'm not suggesting that you decide to take a long journey on the back of sub par transportation and sleep overnight in the parking garage of an inn, entertaining strange dignitaries against a background of heralding heavenly beings. What I am talking about is this..
Life dealt Mary what appeared to be an unfair hand. Being found with child in an unmarried state was not the life that Mary had dreamed of. The circumstances that Mary found herself in were not easily understood by her family and friends. Living in a small village meant that her community--her social, spiritual, and family circles--would all have known that she was pregnant without the benefit of a husband. Mary was undoubtedly faced with rumors, whisperings, finger pointing and judgments. Additionally, the man that she loved--Joseph, was being advised by friends to leave her and have her put quietly away.
No doubt you can identify with being handed something which by all appearances looks like your own unfair hand. Your little girl dreams did not prepare you for the land of betrayal and lies, for the unwilling sharing of your prince charming with hideous and disfigured ghosts and ghouls. Your life has been changed by decisions and circumstances that were unknown to you and for which you were not consulted. People who you once knew as friends and family are now distant or have taken on roles that are not supportive, which leaves you feeling further betrayed, alienated and alone.
From Mary we learn that sometimes only God can know and understand the truth about what is really going on in our lives. Like Mary we can decide who we want to be in spite of our circumstances and determine to act out of those decisions. Like Mary we can trust God for our futures even though the present feels unsure. Like Mary we can know that God's best is at work in our lives even when life is at its worst.
I think there is another important message here for us in that the first Christmas was one of humble simplicity. As we think about all that we have done in the past to create the perfect Christmases for our families and friends, I want to challenge you to think of ways to save the essence of the day without having to busy yourself with the trappings. As Christmas was an expression of God's grace to the world how can you express grace to yourself as you go about making decisions on what you will give of yourself to your family and friends?
The holiday after I found out that my husband had been involved with three different women--one for over four years, I decided to order our holiday dinner from a local grocer. My emotional energy was spent and I did not have the energy to put on our normal holiday fare. I decided to honor the place that my life had been placed in by keeping things very simple and not adding any more stress to an already overly stressed situation.
Determine now what your priorities will be and maximize the energy that you have in spending time only on those things that are most important to you. This may mean that you forgo traditions, parties or gatherings with people or organizations that are farther down your priority list or may have fallen off your list completely. This may mean that you decide not to spend time with family or friends who are not supportive of your current state or who have historically been an energy drain. Determine this year to pay special attention to those things that you most need and want.
This may be a good time to decide once and for all that you are hanging up or burning your people-pleaser hat as a gift to yourself. Your life has changed so don't present a lie to the world by pretending that it hasn't. Embrace this new place as a new beginning. Use this time to nurture the hurting places in your life and to work towards creating a support structure that makes sense to you and from which you can gain lifeMary's story was part of a work that God put into play to redeem a broken and fallen world. This chapter of the story of your life has not taken God by surprise. God still redeems the broken and fallen and He does his best work in those situations which the world has deemed impossible. Determine this year to wrap up all of those impossibilities with which you are now faced and present them to the One that can redeem them into something wonderful and new.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Are You Ashamed of Your Story?
Dear Friend,
Do the details of your husband’s addiction and the “stain” it spilled on your story cause you to feel shame and make you want to hide your pain because you fear others discovering your new reality? Many of us respond that way, even though to do so heightens our isolation and suffering and blocks our journey toward new hope and healing.
But not long ago I “met”—via the Internet—an amazing woman named Katherine who rose above the shame, fear and isolation her husband’s addiction catapulted into her life, and she now uses her story to touch the lives of other hurting women with understanding, courage and love. Whether you still fear discovery, or you long to discover purpose and meaning in your pain, I want to share an exchange I had with Katherine because it reflects a beautiful life-lesson for all of us:
Marsha,
One of the things I feel the Lord pressing on me is to take ‘ownership' of my story. For close to 3 years, I felt like I was going to 'wake up’ from my life. I so remember those times when I would be afraid to bump into anyone I knew. I remember feeling like a scared animal when going shopping and wanting to, needing to leave the store if I happen to see anyone who would recognize me. Over the last year, the Lord has brought much healing. I know that all of this has a purpose and fits into His plan. Using my real name in my story allows me to accept the plan that God has for me. This is my life and I don't feel the shame of it like I did. I see God's hand in it and I want to make Him proud of me.
~ Katherine
Katherine,
I've thought so much about what you wrote about taking ownership of your story. One reason it felt important to me is because one of the steps in healing from trauma requires that we integrate the traumatic events into our over-all life story. I think that is what I hear you doing. How wonderful that you no longer feel the shame you once did about this aspect of your story. The second reason is because you believe that all of this has a purpose. That is amazing, Katherine, because it tells me that you see that God doesn't waste anything in our lives if we surrender it to him, even the seeming garbage of our lives. I've begun to realize that what we thought was waste--even outright trash--gets recycled by God and put to a glorified purpose if we can come to the place you have. I pray that He will bless you for how you are doing this in your life. Thank you for lighting the way for others who need a guide.
~ Marsha
If you are reading this and you are where Katherine once was—still thinking, or hoping, that you will wake up from the nightmare that her life had become—please know that there is hope for you, too. Katherine has what I think of as a “big” story, and it was splashed all over the town where she lived. Yet by taking the necessary steps to seek out and move through a healing process, in just a few years Katherine has gone from wanting to hide, to regularly facilitating a support group for other partners of sex addicts, and teaching and sharing in a large prayer ministry near her home in Canada. Katherine’s new purpose is leading the hurting towards hope and healing.
Our prayer for you is that you, too, will reach out and connect with other women who understand your pain, and that you will commit to a process that can move you through the healing steps required to integrate the trauma into the fabric of your life. Who knows what plan God might have to use your whole story for his higher purpose?
] Read stories from other wives of sex addicts
] Share your story anonymously
Do the details of your husband’s addiction and the “stain” it spilled on your story cause you to feel shame and make you want to hide your pain because you fear others discovering your new reality? Many of us respond that way, even though to do so heightens our isolation and suffering and blocks our journey toward new hope and healing.
But not long ago I “met”—via the Internet—an amazing woman named Katherine who rose above the shame, fear and isolation her husband’s addiction catapulted into her life, and she now uses her story to touch the lives of other hurting women with understanding, courage and love. Whether you still fear discovery, or you long to discover purpose and meaning in your pain, I want to share an exchange I had with Katherine because it reflects a beautiful life-lesson for all of us:
Marsha,
One of the things I feel the Lord pressing on me is to take ‘ownership' of my story. For close to 3 years, I felt like I was going to 'wake up’ from my life. I so remember those times when I would be afraid to bump into anyone I knew. I remember feeling like a scared animal when going shopping and wanting to, needing to leave the store if I happen to see anyone who would recognize me. Over the last year, the Lord has brought much healing. I know that all of this has a purpose and fits into His plan. Using my real name in my story allows me to accept the plan that God has for me. This is my life and I don't feel the shame of it like I did. I see God's hand in it and I want to make Him proud of me.
~ Katherine
Katherine,
I've thought so much about what you wrote about taking ownership of your story. One reason it felt important to me is because one of the steps in healing from trauma requires that we integrate the traumatic events into our over-all life story. I think that is what I hear you doing. How wonderful that you no longer feel the shame you once did about this aspect of your story. The second reason is because you believe that all of this has a purpose. That is amazing, Katherine, because it tells me that you see that God doesn't waste anything in our lives if we surrender it to him, even the seeming garbage of our lives. I've begun to realize that what we thought was waste--even outright trash--gets recycled by God and put to a glorified purpose if we can come to the place you have. I pray that He will bless you for how you are doing this in your life. Thank you for lighting the way for others who need a guide.
~ Marsha
If you are reading this and you are where Katherine once was—still thinking, or hoping, that you will wake up from the nightmare that her life had become—please know that there is hope for you, too. Katherine has what I think of as a “big” story, and it was splashed all over the town where she lived. Yet by taking the necessary steps to seek out and move through a healing process, in just a few years Katherine has gone from wanting to hide, to regularly facilitating a support group for other partners of sex addicts, and teaching and sharing in a large prayer ministry near her home in Canada. Katherine’s new purpose is leading the hurting towards hope and healing.
Our prayer for you is that you, too, will reach out and connect with other women who understand your pain, and that you will commit to a process that can move you through the healing steps required to integrate the trauma into the fabric of your life. Who knows what plan God might have to use your whole story for his higher purpose?
] Read stories from other wives of sex addicts
] Share your story anonymously
Monday, December 1, 2008
Ice Fishing
By: Coach Christy
I live in Minnesota, and an amazing phenomenon occurs every winter. Our 10,000 lakes become populated with virtual towns as the ice fishing season begins. You can even have a pizza delivered to your ice house.
I will never understand ice fishing. I am not native to Minnesota, and I cannot see the sense in sitting out on a frozen lake waiting for the fish to bite. More so are the countless stories at the beginning and end of each ice fishing season about cars and trucks going though the ice from trying to go out too soon or stay out too long. You would think that people would learn from the mistakes of others - or even from their own, but it happens multiple times every year. Most of the time, the driver is the only person in the vehicle, but at times, others - family, children, friends - also have to be pulled out of the freezing water to safety.
Addiction is much the same. The addict no doubt hears - and may even witness - the pitfalls of addiction. They are in some way aware of the damage it can do and the consequences that are out there. But for some reason they think that they will be different. It won't happen to them. The next thing they know, they are sinking down into the murky water of their own making. And it is rare that the addict is the only one to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Each of us has been pulled down into the mire of our spouse's addiction through no choice of our own. We have struggled to keep our heads above water. This is why our ministry exists - to help women navigate their way back to shore and recover from their husband's painful, dangerous choices. The addict may still chose to drive out on the thin, cracking ice - but we do have a choice whether or not to go with them.
It is my prayer for every woman dealing with a sexually addicted spouse to be able to find and cling to their Lifeline - Jesus. He will not abandon you to the depths. Also, if you have not done so already, seek out a healthy support group to walk with you through this difficult and painful time. You are not alone.
Email Coach Christy at christy@awomanshealingjourney.com
I live in Minnesota, and an amazing phenomenon occurs every winter. Our 10,000 lakes become populated with virtual towns as the ice fishing season begins. You can even have a pizza delivered to your ice house.
I will never understand ice fishing. I am not native to Minnesota, and I cannot see the sense in sitting out on a frozen lake waiting for the fish to bite. More so are the countless stories at the beginning and end of each ice fishing season about cars and trucks going though the ice from trying to go out too soon or stay out too long. You would think that people would learn from the mistakes of others - or even from their own, but it happens multiple times every year. Most of the time, the driver is the only person in the vehicle, but at times, others - family, children, friends - also have to be pulled out of the freezing water to safety.
Addiction is much the same. The addict no doubt hears - and may even witness - the pitfalls of addiction. They are in some way aware of the damage it can do and the consequences that are out there. But for some reason they think that they will be different. It won't happen to them. The next thing they know, they are sinking down into the murky water of their own making. And it is rare that the addict is the only one to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Each of us has been pulled down into the mire of our spouse's addiction through no choice of our own. We have struggled to keep our heads above water. This is why our ministry exists - to help women navigate their way back to shore and recover from their husband's painful, dangerous choices. The addict may still chose to drive out on the thin, cracking ice - but we do have a choice whether or not to go with them.
It is my prayer for every woman dealing with a sexually addicted spouse to be able to find and cling to their Lifeline - Jesus. He will not abandon you to the depths. Also, if you have not done so already, seek out a healthy support group to walk with you through this difficult and painful time. You are not alone.
Email Coach Christy at christy@awomanshealingjourney.com
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