Not Immune
By Rev. Joyce Wise, MSN
I was raise in a Christian home with a long history of ministers in the family. From my earliest recollection I remember my mother telling me that, “God gave you to me when I was told I couldn’t have any more babies. You were born for a special purpose; God has His hand upon your life”. At times I resented the fact that I had a “special purpose” and as a teenager, I rebelled. It wasn’t what you would call a “bad kid”, but I wanted to make up my own mind about my purpose in life.
I was very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and on more than one occasion I completely gave my life to the Lord and declared, “I’ll go where You want me to go; and I’ll do what You want me to do Lord”. In 1976, at the age of 22, I was on a mission’s trip to Mexicali, Mexico; there God called me into full time ministry. I was elated that He would see fit to call. I knew that I would need a husband who had the same heart, so I prayed. As I sought God in the matter of a husband I dreamt about my high school boyfriend. Every time I prayed my dreams were about him and every time I would awaken and tell God that, “that’s okay, I can be happy being single”. You see, he had hurt me so badly as a teenager. I loved him and he rejected me saying he “thought he was gay” – I never wanted to be hurt by him again.
Two years later my former boyfriend came home and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Apparently, while I was praying he was praying too and God revealed to him that I was the one he would marry. I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! He had lost his chance. He asked three more times that evening and my answer remained the same. That night I argued with God – not a good idea! He revealed to me that we were new creatures and that everything would be okay, “trust Me”. God dealt with me for 4 days. On the forth day I said yes. Honestly, my yes was more out of obedience than love – at least that’s what I told myself all these years.
We have been married for almost 30 years now. In fact, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary on June 30th. Over the years he has reassured me of his love and faithfulness to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father. During our years together we have had 2 terrific, now adult; children and we have four grandchildren. My husband has been an ordained minister for 26 years and I also held ministerial credentials with the same organization. We had been with our last church for 17years, were very active and well respected in our community, and still live in this community. We don't plan on leaving!
Last year our world was catapulted into another galaxy and our lives as we had come to know them changed forever. In February of 2007, my husband had a sexual encounter with another man. My husband was very ashamed that this happened and he didn't tell me, but he did tell an accountability person. This person did not keep my husband's confidence and told another person, who told the church board, who confronted my husband on August 23rd, of 2007. At the time that he was confronted, I still didn't know about his betrayal.
On August 24th, 2007, about an hour after my husband went to work he returned home, broken and in tears. "I never meant to hurt you...” he began. Then began to tell me what had happened months before. He lost his job as pastor, we lost our church, and we lost our friends there; we were not even permitted to say goodbye.
I thought we had it all together! How could this have happened? We were ministers. We were serving the Lord. It was almost as if we were supposed to be immune to sin. We all know that the prince of darkness “roams the earth seeking whom he may devour”, but why? How?
The truth is that statistically 40% of our clergy in the United States struggle with sex addictions of one form or the other. In the denomination that we were with there are 1600 licensed ministers in the Southern California area. According to the reported statics 40% of this sample would be 460 ministers. It just so happens that that is the number of churches that the denomination has in Southern California. Feasibly, this means that there could be at least 1 minister in each church struggling with sex addiction. This is just one faith group!
None of us are immune. As a church there is a need for us to begin to talk about uncomfortable issues. Pastor's and Ministry wives - don't isolate yourself. It is essential that you have at least one person who you can talk to without having to put on "airs". You all know what I mean. Find a friend that you can trust and share your hurts and pain with. Re-establish your connection with God. God will get you through and will bring individuals into your life that you can trust and who will love you no matter what. Establish a network of friends - blog with each other. I never knew any other way. I have always been a pastor's wife. I have always been in ministry. I had a hard time viewing myself outside of ministry - this is such a feeling of loss, a loss of myself.
I wonder how many of you have had to deal with this additional challenge? You know, the typical person who deals with sexual betrayal is able to turn to their church, their pastor and their social network, (usually at their church). This has been a long difficult road - NO ONE should have to feel they have to face the road alone. If you have felt the additional loss of ministry, I would love to start a dialogue. There are other Pastor/Ministry wives who are going out through this type of pain - please don't let them go through it alone.
Redirected in ministry,
Coach Joyce
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thoughts From Coach Joyce's Husband
It amazes me what God is doing in our lives. Recently, my husband, Al posted his thoughts on his facebook page. With his permission I am posting them here as well. Our hope is that Our story will help those who are hurting, feel isolated and rejected. We are all in this together. I look forward to your comments.
Sucky Saturday – The Depressing Time Between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday
Good Friday is only “good” because of Sunday. But between these two special days is Sucky Saturday, especially when Sunday seems slow in coming.
The tired employee’s exclamation “Thank God it’s Friday” certainly doesn’t apply to the first Good Friday. The passion of the Christ included being beaten down, cursed, mocked, spat upon and crucified – all through no fault of his own. He endured that we might advance. Sunday came with the revelation of God’s greatest miracle – Jesus’ resurrection - our redemption.
But what about Sucky Saturday? I can only imagine the heartache of the disciples living in Saturday.
They had lived with this man every day for 3 years then suddenly, unexplainably, he was gone. Their lives were in chaos and there was the matter of their guilt.
Judas committed suicide. Peter denied he ever knew Jesus. All but John deserted their friend during his darkest hours on the cross. Can you imagine what that must have felt like?
Have you experienced your own Passion Friday and Sucky Saturday?
Something catastrophic has happened – a death, a divorce, an addiction gets a stronghold, a job is lost, a moral failure – circumstance that will change your life forever. That’s Friday and there’s nothing good about it. It’s your own private “passion” – a time of pain, anguish and regret.
All of a sudden you’re alone. God seems far away – you’re racked with pain, guilt or disappointment – most of your friends have deserted you – some have even denied being your friend so as not to be associated with your situation. Your own family doesn’t understand. People wag the finger at you. There’s no way out. The future is uncertain. All hope seems lost.
Welcome to Sucky Saturday.
In his work, The Cloud of Unknowing, the unknown 14th Century writer describes a state of mind in which the presence of God is conceptually known but not always felt. It’s the time, (in what can seem like an eternity lasting for days, months or years) where we doubt our faith and believe God has turned his back on us. We return the favor and pass judgment on God, questioning His intentions. God becomes the Angry Judge instead of the Compassionate Father awaiting his prodigal son’s return.
This is normal behavior for Saturday dwellers - completely known to God - covered in his grace. Saturdays give us time to reflect both on our situation and God’s solution. Saturday’s invite introspection, reflection and contemplation. While questions remain, (“Why me?” Why did this have to happen?” “What have I done?” What the hell is going on?”), so also does God’s love.
I speak from tragic experience.
My Friday consisted of a grievous sexual encounter which revealed an inner addiction. It cost me dearly. Overnight, I lost my job and ministry of 16 years. I compromised my standing and reputation in the community. 95% of my friends disappeared in a heartbeat and my wife was devastated by my unfaithfulness. A “friend” literally called me, “The bastard pastor.”
My Saturday began with withdrawal. I didn’t want to speak with anyone or go anywhere. I was ashamed to show my face in public. I waited until after dark to go to an ATM. Depression set in and I lost 20 lbs. I entered my version of what Saint John of the Cross called, The Dark Night of the Soul.”
I didn’t want to go to church or have anything to do with God. He was a mean, vindictive judge. God was punishing me for my sin. I could no longer feel his presence and, quite honestly, I’m not sure I wanted to. While I had shown grace to so many, there was none for me.
Then I started to reflect. With the help of a wonderful therapist (whom I still see), I began to gain some clarity. With Dr. Finley’s help, I began to see little glimpses of God’s grace. I began to understand myself and find the answers I had searched for all my life. Answers to questions I had always been afraid to ask. I was promoted at work to a management position after only 3 months on the job. My wife began to come into her own. Joyce became her own person and started to assist other wives whose husbands had been unfaithful or were sexually addicted.
I started to write again. Articles that expressed my state of understanding. Some of the titles include, All That Awaits Me, Difficult Thoughts, Duplicity, Gotta Ask, How the Mighty Have Fallen, I Just Don’t Get It, Sitting In your Pews, My Cold Black Heart, The Tamer of the Beast and The Long Road Back
Then God began to speak to me again. He was probably speaking to me all the time but I didn’t have ears to hear. One day I wrote a lament about my tragic life and found God lovingly answered back. In my spiritual mind God said, “I had to strip you of all that you held dear in order to get your attention. The person you pretended to be had to be exposed so you would stop deceiving yourself. I know it is hard but it’s not because I don’t love you. In fact it is because I love you that the facade had to disappear.”
I understood that the duplicity in my life needed to be removed if I were to ever be one with Christ. Two masters can not be served; light and dark can not co-exist.
It is late on Saturday. The numbness of the moment has passed. I have become comfortable in my cloud of unknowing. I have so many answers - many more yet are to come. I am not satisfied where I am but have learned to be content with my progress. Progress, not perfection is my goal.
I have actually come to a point where I think I can begin to thank God for what has happened to me and in me. I can pray with the 14th Century mystic, “That which I am and the way that I am, with all my gifts of nature and grace you have given to me, Oh Lord, I offer it all to you principally to praise you and to help my fellow Christians and myself.”
It’s still Saturday and at times it still sucks, but Sunday’s coming. Perhaps then I‘ll be able to look back and say “Ahh, it was a Good Friday after all.”
If you’d like to know more, or if there are those who would be helped by sharing our story, please feel free to contact us.
Al Wise
(310) 766-4731, alwise2@aol.com
Joyce Wise
(310) 766-4730, joyce@awomanshealingjourney.com
February 2009
Sucky Saturday – The Depressing Time Between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday
Good Friday is only “good” because of Sunday. But between these two special days is Sucky Saturday, especially when Sunday seems slow in coming.
The tired employee’s exclamation “Thank God it’s Friday” certainly doesn’t apply to the first Good Friday. The passion of the Christ included being beaten down, cursed, mocked, spat upon and crucified – all through no fault of his own. He endured that we might advance. Sunday came with the revelation of God’s greatest miracle – Jesus’ resurrection - our redemption.
But what about Sucky Saturday? I can only imagine the heartache of the disciples living in Saturday.
They had lived with this man every day for 3 years then suddenly, unexplainably, he was gone. Their lives were in chaos and there was the matter of their guilt.
Judas committed suicide. Peter denied he ever knew Jesus. All but John deserted their friend during his darkest hours on the cross. Can you imagine what that must have felt like?
Have you experienced your own Passion Friday and Sucky Saturday?
Something catastrophic has happened – a death, a divorce, an addiction gets a stronghold, a job is lost, a moral failure – circumstance that will change your life forever. That’s Friday and there’s nothing good about it. It’s your own private “passion” – a time of pain, anguish and regret.
All of a sudden you’re alone. God seems far away – you’re racked with pain, guilt or disappointment – most of your friends have deserted you – some have even denied being your friend so as not to be associated with your situation. Your own family doesn’t understand. People wag the finger at you. There’s no way out. The future is uncertain. All hope seems lost.
Welcome to Sucky Saturday.
In his work, The Cloud of Unknowing, the unknown 14th Century writer describes a state of mind in which the presence of God is conceptually known but not always felt. It’s the time, (in what can seem like an eternity lasting for days, months or years) where we doubt our faith and believe God has turned his back on us. We return the favor and pass judgment on God, questioning His intentions. God becomes the Angry Judge instead of the Compassionate Father awaiting his prodigal son’s return.
This is normal behavior for Saturday dwellers - completely known to God - covered in his grace. Saturdays give us time to reflect both on our situation and God’s solution. Saturday’s invite introspection, reflection and contemplation. While questions remain, (“Why me?” Why did this have to happen?” “What have I done?” What the hell is going on?”), so also does God’s love.
I speak from tragic experience.
My Friday consisted of a grievous sexual encounter which revealed an inner addiction. It cost me dearly. Overnight, I lost my job and ministry of 16 years. I compromised my standing and reputation in the community. 95% of my friends disappeared in a heartbeat and my wife was devastated by my unfaithfulness. A “friend” literally called me, “The bastard pastor.”
My Saturday began with withdrawal. I didn’t want to speak with anyone or go anywhere. I was ashamed to show my face in public. I waited until after dark to go to an ATM. Depression set in and I lost 20 lbs. I entered my version of what Saint John of the Cross called, The Dark Night of the Soul.”
I didn’t want to go to church or have anything to do with God. He was a mean, vindictive judge. God was punishing me for my sin. I could no longer feel his presence and, quite honestly, I’m not sure I wanted to. While I had shown grace to so many, there was none for me.
Then I started to reflect. With the help of a wonderful therapist (whom I still see), I began to gain some clarity. With Dr. Finley’s help, I began to see little glimpses of God’s grace. I began to understand myself and find the answers I had searched for all my life. Answers to questions I had always been afraid to ask. I was promoted at work to a management position after only 3 months on the job. My wife began to come into her own. Joyce became her own person and started to assist other wives whose husbands had been unfaithful or were sexually addicted.
I started to write again. Articles that expressed my state of understanding. Some of the titles include, All That Awaits Me, Difficult Thoughts, Duplicity, Gotta Ask, How the Mighty Have Fallen, I Just Don’t Get It, Sitting In your Pews, My Cold Black Heart, The Tamer of the Beast and The Long Road Back
Then God began to speak to me again. He was probably speaking to me all the time but I didn’t have ears to hear. One day I wrote a lament about my tragic life and found God lovingly answered back. In my spiritual mind God said, “I had to strip you of all that you held dear in order to get your attention. The person you pretended to be had to be exposed so you would stop deceiving yourself. I know it is hard but it’s not because I don’t love you. In fact it is because I love you that the facade had to disappear.”
I understood that the duplicity in my life needed to be removed if I were to ever be one with Christ. Two masters can not be served; light and dark can not co-exist.
It is late on Saturday. The numbness of the moment has passed. I have become comfortable in my cloud of unknowing. I have so many answers - many more yet are to come. I am not satisfied where I am but have learned to be content with my progress. Progress, not perfection is my goal.
I have actually come to a point where I think I can begin to thank God for what has happened to me and in me. I can pray with the 14th Century mystic, “That which I am and the way that I am, with all my gifts of nature and grace you have given to me, Oh Lord, I offer it all to you principally to praise you and to help my fellow Christians and myself.”
It’s still Saturday and at times it still sucks, but Sunday’s coming. Perhaps then I‘ll be able to look back and say “Ahh, it was a Good Friday after all.”
If you’d like to know more, or if there are those who would be helped by sharing our story, please feel free to contact us.
Al Wise
(310) 766-4731, alwise2@aol.com
Joyce Wise
(310) 766-4730, joyce@awomanshealingjourney.com
February 2009
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