Sex Addiction and the Ministry

Not Immune
By Rev. Joyce Wise, MSN

I was raise in a Christian home with a long history of ministers in the family. From my earliest recollection I remember my mother telling me that, “God gave you to me when I was told I couldn’t have any more babies. You were born for a special purpose; God has His hand upon your life”. At times I resented the fact that I had a “special purpose” and as a teenager, I rebelled. It wasn’t what you would call a “bad kid”, but I wanted to make up my own mind about my purpose in life.

I was very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and on more than one occasion I completely gave my life to the Lord and declared, “I’ll go where You want me to go; and I’ll do what You want me to do Lord”. In 1976, at the age of 22, I was on a mission’s trip to Mexicali, Mexico; there God called me into full time ministry. I was elated that He would see fit to call. I knew that I would need a husband who had the same heart, so I prayed. As I sought God in the matter of a husband I dreamt about my high school boyfriend. Every time I prayed my dreams were about him and every time I would awaken and tell God that, “that’s okay, I can be happy being single”. You see, he had hurt me so badly as a teenager. I loved him and he rejected me saying he “thought he was gay” – I never wanted to be hurt by him again.

Two years later my former boyfriend came home and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Apparently, while I was praying he was praying too and God revealed to him that I was the one he would marry. I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! He had lost his chance. He asked three more times that evening and my answer remained the same. That night I argued with God – not a good idea! He revealed to me that we were new creatures and that everything would be okay, “trust Me”. God dealt with me for 4 days. On the forth day I said yes. Honestly, my yes was more out of obedience than love – at least that’s what I told myself all these years.

We have been married for almost 30 years now. In fact, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary on June 30th. Over the years he has reassured me of his love and faithfulness to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father. During our years together we have had 2 terrific, now adult; children and we have four grandchildren. My husband has been an ordained minister for 26 years and I also held ministerial credentials with the same organization. We had been with our last church for 17years, were very active and well respected in our community, and still live in this community. We don't plan on leaving!


Last year our world was catapulted into another galaxy and our lives as we had come to know them changed forever. In February of 2007, my husband had a sexual encounter with another man. My husband was very ashamed that this happened and he didn't tell me, but he did tell an accountability person. This person did not keep my husband's confidence and told another person, who told the church board, who confronted my husband on August 23rd, of 2007. At the time that he was confronted, I still didn't know about his betrayal.

On August 24th, 2007, about an hour after my husband went to work he returned home, broken and in tears. "I never meant to hurt you...” he began. Then began to tell me what had happened months before. He lost his job as pastor, we lost our church, and we lost our friends there; we were not even permitted to say goodbye.

I thought we had it all together! How could this have happened? We were ministers. We were serving the Lord. It was almost as if we were supposed to be immune to sin. We all know that the prince of darkness “roams the earth seeking whom he may devour”, but why? How?

The truth is that statistically 40% of our clergy in the United States struggle with sex addictions of one form or the other. In the denomination that we were with there are 1600 licensed ministers in the Southern California area. According to the reported statics 40% of this sample would be 460 ministers. It just so happens that that is the number of churches that the denomination has in Southern California. Feasibly, this means that there could be at least 1 minister in each church struggling with sex addiction. This is just one faith group!

None of us are immune. As a church there is a need for us to begin to talk about uncomfortable issues. Pastor's and Ministry wives - don't isolate yourself. It is essential that you have at least one person who you can talk to without having to put on "airs". You all know what I mean. Find a friend that you can trust and share your hurts and pain with. Re-establish your connection with God. God will get you through and will bring individuals into your life that you can trust and who will love you no matter what. Establish a network of friends - blog with each other. I never knew any other way. I have always been a pastor's wife. I have always been in ministry. I had a hard time viewing myself outside of ministry - this is such a feeling of loss, a loss of myself.

I wonder how many of you have had to deal with this additional challenge? You know, the typical person who deals with sexual betrayal is able to turn to their church, their pastor and their social network, (usually at their church). This has been a long difficult road - NO ONE should have to feel they have to face the road alone. If you have felt the additional loss of ministry, I would love to start a dialogue. There are other Pastor/Ministry wives who are going out through this type of pain - please don't let them go through it alone.

Redirected in ministry,
Coach Joyce