What’s Love All About Anyway?
Over the past year I’ve asked this question many times. It was hard for me to believe that a man, who loved me and married me, would take our vows so lightly.
My husband is a sex addict. I had no idea! I thought that he was totally “sold out for God” and that he was so much more worthy than I. My husband pastored a large church in our area and was a community leader. We were both very well thought of and often looked like the “perfect family”. I had no idea that my husband had struggled with sexual torment most of his life.
As a very young boy my husband suffered from emotional, physical abuse and at the age of 12 years he learned to masturbate. He felt comfort from this act and has carried on with this practice our entire married life. He doesn’t have an issue with porn, but he fantasizes about men while comforting himself during times of stress and anxiety. Yes, my husband is attracted to men; yet he loves me and wants to stay with me and I want to be with him. After 29 years how can I not love him? To be very honest, I’m getting tired of my story. I just want to get on with things. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who has forgiven their husband and wants desperately to go on with our lives.
I’ve been reading the Love Dare, by Stephen & Alex Kendrick. I’ve tired to implement some of the suggestions from each chapter, but as I read, I realized that I started doing this things at the time of disclosure. It’s been 18 months now. I’ve done everything with-in my ability to correct my part of a wrong; yet here I still stand waiting…
Love is not something that comes from us; it only comes from God. It’s giving when you have nothing left to give; forgiving when forgiveness is not deserved; trusting when trusting seems to be an impossible thing to do.
I wonder how many of you feel like I do. I’d love to hear your opinion about what you have learned about love while you’ve been traveling this road.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Let the first Christmas be your guide ....
By Coach Brenda
Let the first Christmas be your guide as you enter this holiday season. No, I'm not suggesting that you decide to take a long journey on the back of sub par transportation and sleep overnight in the parking garage of an inn, entertaining strange dignitaries against a background of heralding heavenly beings. What I am talking about is this..
Life dealt Mary what appeared to be an unfair hand. Being found with child in an unmarried state was not the life that Mary had dreamed of. The circumstances that Mary found herself in were not easily understood by her family and friends. Living in a small village meant that her community--her social, spiritual, and family circles--would all have known that she was pregnant without the benefit of a husband. Mary was undoubtedly faced with rumors, whisperings, finger pointing and judgments. Additionally, the man that she loved--Joseph, was being advised by friends to leave her and have her put quietly away.
No doubt you can identify with being handed something which by all appearances looks like your own unfair hand. Your little girl dreams did not prepare you for the land of betrayal and lies, for the unwilling sharing of your prince charming with hideous and disfigured ghosts and ghouls. Your life has been changed by decisions and circumstances that were unknown to you and for which you were not consulted. People who you once knew as friends and family are now distant or have taken on roles that are not supportive, which leaves you feeling further betrayed, alienated and alone.
From Mary we learn that sometimes only God can know and understand the truth about what is really going on in our lives. Like Mary we can decide who we want to be in spite of our circumstances and determine to act out of those decisions. Like Mary we can trust God for our futures even though the present feels unsure. Like Mary we can know that God's best is at work in our lives even when life is at its worst.
I think there is another important message here for us in that the first Christmas was one of humble simplicity. As we think about all that we have done in the past to create the perfect Christmases for our families and friends, I want to challenge you to think of ways to save the essence of the day without having to busy yourself with the trappings. As Christmas was an expression of God's grace to the world how can you express grace to yourself as you go about making decisions on what you will give of yourself to your family and friends?
The holiday after I found out that my husband had been involved with three different women--one for over four years, I decided to order our holiday dinner from a local grocer. My emotional energy was spent and I did not have the energy to put on our normal holiday fare. I decided to honor the place that my life had been placed in by keeping things very simple and not adding any more stress to an already overly stressed situation.
Determine now what your priorities will be and maximize the energy that you have in spending time only on those things that are most important to you. This may mean that you forgo traditions, parties or gatherings with people or organizations that are farther down your priority list or may have fallen off your list completely. This may mean that you decide not to spend time with family or friends who are not supportive of your current state or who have historically been an energy drain. Determine this year to pay special attention to those things that you most need and want.
This may be a good time to decide once and for all that you are hanging up or burning your people-pleaser hat as a gift to yourself. Your life has changed so don't present a lie to the world by pretending that it hasn't. Embrace this new place as a new beginning. Use this time to nurture the hurting places in your life and to work towards creating a support structure that makes sense to you and from which you can gain lifeMary's story was part of a work that God put into play to redeem a broken and fallen world. This chapter of the story of your life has not taken God by surprise. God still redeems the broken and fallen and He does his best work in those situations which the world has deemed impossible. Determine this year to wrap up all of those impossibilities with which you are now faced and present them to the One that can redeem them into something wonderful and new.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Are You Ashamed of Your Story?
Dear Friend,
Do the details of your husband’s addiction and the “stain” it spilled on your story cause you to feel shame and make you want to hide your pain because you fear others discovering your new reality? Many of us respond that way, even though to do so heightens our isolation and suffering and blocks our journey toward new hope and healing.
But not long ago I “met”—via the Internet—an amazing woman named Katherine who rose above the shame, fear and isolation her husband’s addiction catapulted into her life, and she now uses her story to touch the lives of other hurting women with understanding, courage and love. Whether you still fear discovery, or you long to discover purpose and meaning in your pain, I want to share an exchange I had with Katherine because it reflects a beautiful life-lesson for all of us:
Marsha,
One of the things I feel the Lord pressing on me is to take ‘ownership' of my story. For close to 3 years, I felt like I was going to 'wake up’ from my life. I so remember those times when I would be afraid to bump into anyone I knew. I remember feeling like a scared animal when going shopping and wanting to, needing to leave the store if I happen to see anyone who would recognize me. Over the last year, the Lord has brought much healing. I know that all of this has a purpose and fits into His plan. Using my real name in my story allows me to accept the plan that God has for me. This is my life and I don't feel the shame of it like I did. I see God's hand in it and I want to make Him proud of me.
~ Katherine
Katherine,
I've thought so much about what you wrote about taking ownership of your story. One reason it felt important to me is because one of the steps in healing from trauma requires that we integrate the traumatic events into our over-all life story. I think that is what I hear you doing. How wonderful that you no longer feel the shame you once did about this aspect of your story. The second reason is because you believe that all of this has a purpose. That is amazing, Katherine, because it tells me that you see that God doesn't waste anything in our lives if we surrender it to him, even the seeming garbage of our lives. I've begun to realize that what we thought was waste--even outright trash--gets recycled by God and put to a glorified purpose if we can come to the place you have. I pray that He will bless you for how you are doing this in your life. Thank you for lighting the way for others who need a guide.
~ Marsha
If you are reading this and you are where Katherine once was—still thinking, or hoping, that you will wake up from the nightmare that her life had become—please know that there is hope for you, too. Katherine has what I think of as a “big” story, and it was splashed all over the town where she lived. Yet by taking the necessary steps to seek out and move through a healing process, in just a few years Katherine has gone from wanting to hide, to regularly facilitating a support group for other partners of sex addicts, and teaching and sharing in a large prayer ministry near her home in Canada. Katherine’s new purpose is leading the hurting towards hope and healing.
Our prayer for you is that you, too, will reach out and connect with other women who understand your pain, and that you will commit to a process that can move you through the healing steps required to integrate the trauma into the fabric of your life. Who knows what plan God might have to use your whole story for his higher purpose?
] Read stories from other wives of sex addicts
] Share your story anonymously
Do the details of your husband’s addiction and the “stain” it spilled on your story cause you to feel shame and make you want to hide your pain because you fear others discovering your new reality? Many of us respond that way, even though to do so heightens our isolation and suffering and blocks our journey toward new hope and healing.
But not long ago I “met”—via the Internet—an amazing woman named Katherine who rose above the shame, fear and isolation her husband’s addiction catapulted into her life, and she now uses her story to touch the lives of other hurting women with understanding, courage and love. Whether you still fear discovery, or you long to discover purpose and meaning in your pain, I want to share an exchange I had with Katherine because it reflects a beautiful life-lesson for all of us:
Marsha,
One of the things I feel the Lord pressing on me is to take ‘ownership' of my story. For close to 3 years, I felt like I was going to 'wake up’ from my life. I so remember those times when I would be afraid to bump into anyone I knew. I remember feeling like a scared animal when going shopping and wanting to, needing to leave the store if I happen to see anyone who would recognize me. Over the last year, the Lord has brought much healing. I know that all of this has a purpose and fits into His plan. Using my real name in my story allows me to accept the plan that God has for me. This is my life and I don't feel the shame of it like I did. I see God's hand in it and I want to make Him proud of me.
~ Katherine
Katherine,
I've thought so much about what you wrote about taking ownership of your story. One reason it felt important to me is because one of the steps in healing from trauma requires that we integrate the traumatic events into our over-all life story. I think that is what I hear you doing. How wonderful that you no longer feel the shame you once did about this aspect of your story. The second reason is because you believe that all of this has a purpose. That is amazing, Katherine, because it tells me that you see that God doesn't waste anything in our lives if we surrender it to him, even the seeming garbage of our lives. I've begun to realize that what we thought was waste--even outright trash--gets recycled by God and put to a glorified purpose if we can come to the place you have. I pray that He will bless you for how you are doing this in your life. Thank you for lighting the way for others who need a guide.
~ Marsha
If you are reading this and you are where Katherine once was—still thinking, or hoping, that you will wake up from the nightmare that her life had become—please know that there is hope for you, too. Katherine has what I think of as a “big” story, and it was splashed all over the town where she lived. Yet by taking the necessary steps to seek out and move through a healing process, in just a few years Katherine has gone from wanting to hide, to regularly facilitating a support group for other partners of sex addicts, and teaching and sharing in a large prayer ministry near her home in Canada. Katherine’s new purpose is leading the hurting towards hope and healing.
Our prayer for you is that you, too, will reach out and connect with other women who understand your pain, and that you will commit to a process that can move you through the healing steps required to integrate the trauma into the fabric of your life. Who knows what plan God might have to use your whole story for his higher purpose?
] Read stories from other wives of sex addicts
] Share your story anonymously
Monday, December 1, 2008
Ice Fishing
By: Coach Christy
I live in Minnesota, and an amazing phenomenon occurs every winter. Our 10,000 lakes become populated with virtual towns as the ice fishing season begins. You can even have a pizza delivered to your ice house.
I will never understand ice fishing. I am not native to Minnesota, and I cannot see the sense in sitting out on a frozen lake waiting for the fish to bite. More so are the countless stories at the beginning and end of each ice fishing season about cars and trucks going though the ice from trying to go out too soon or stay out too long. You would think that people would learn from the mistakes of others - or even from their own, but it happens multiple times every year. Most of the time, the driver is the only person in the vehicle, but at times, others - family, children, friends - also have to be pulled out of the freezing water to safety.
Addiction is much the same. The addict no doubt hears - and may even witness - the pitfalls of addiction. They are in some way aware of the damage it can do and the consequences that are out there. But for some reason they think that they will be different. It won't happen to them. The next thing they know, they are sinking down into the murky water of their own making. And it is rare that the addict is the only one to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Each of us has been pulled down into the mire of our spouse's addiction through no choice of our own. We have struggled to keep our heads above water. This is why our ministry exists - to help women navigate their way back to shore and recover from their husband's painful, dangerous choices. The addict may still chose to drive out on the thin, cracking ice - but we do have a choice whether or not to go with them.
It is my prayer for every woman dealing with a sexually addicted spouse to be able to find and cling to their Lifeline - Jesus. He will not abandon you to the depths. Also, if you have not done so already, seek out a healthy support group to walk with you through this difficult and painful time. You are not alone.
Email Coach Christy at christy@awomanshealingjourney.com
I live in Minnesota, and an amazing phenomenon occurs every winter. Our 10,000 lakes become populated with virtual towns as the ice fishing season begins. You can even have a pizza delivered to your ice house.
I will never understand ice fishing. I am not native to Minnesota, and I cannot see the sense in sitting out on a frozen lake waiting for the fish to bite. More so are the countless stories at the beginning and end of each ice fishing season about cars and trucks going though the ice from trying to go out too soon or stay out too long. You would think that people would learn from the mistakes of others - or even from their own, but it happens multiple times every year. Most of the time, the driver is the only person in the vehicle, but at times, others - family, children, friends - also have to be pulled out of the freezing water to safety.
Addiction is much the same. The addict no doubt hears - and may even witness - the pitfalls of addiction. They are in some way aware of the damage it can do and the consequences that are out there. But for some reason they think that they will be different. It won't happen to them. The next thing they know, they are sinking down into the murky water of their own making. And it is rare that the addict is the only one to suffer the consequences of their choices.
Each of us has been pulled down into the mire of our spouse's addiction through no choice of our own. We have struggled to keep our heads above water. This is why our ministry exists - to help women navigate their way back to shore and recover from their husband's painful, dangerous choices. The addict may still chose to drive out on the thin, cracking ice - but we do have a choice whether or not to go with them.
It is my prayer for every woman dealing with a sexually addicted spouse to be able to find and cling to their Lifeline - Jesus. He will not abandon you to the depths. Also, if you have not done so already, seek out a healthy support group to walk with you through this difficult and painful time. You are not alone.
Email Coach Christy at christy@awomanshealingjourney.com
Saturday, November 22, 2008
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE… By Coach Joyce
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE…
Everyday we are faced with problems and issues that reach deep down in our souls and affect our lives. One such event is finding out that the man we’ve trusted as our friend, lover and spiritual head, has betrayed the vow that he made to us. Your world is suddenly ripped from its orbit and you are cast into the depths of self-doubt and despair. Frankly, I wondered if my marriage was worth it and if my world would ever find its way back to the galaxy it came from. I am still in the process of finding my place. I have come to realize that I will have a long journey ahead of me.
I haven’t been on this journey very long. Last August, my husband admitted his infidelity to me. His admission came as a result of an accountability partner betraying his trust. Earlier in the year he allowed someone to make physical advances to him and he didn’t stop them. At the point of this “Big Reveal”, my husband had struggled with what had happened for six months. With tears in his eyes and his head bowed in shame he told me what had happened. I felt so sorrowful as he told me what had happened. At the end of his story he said, “I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I’ve really messed everything up. I’ll leave right now if you want me to, you have every right”. My heart broke for him. I ran to his side and gave him a hug and affirmation of my love and faithfulness to him. I assured him that I didn’t want him to leave and that we would go through whatever we had to go through together. I felt that the revealing of truth would light the darkness that he had felt for so many months. I had no concept regarding the journey that I was about to begin.
As time progressed, I began to experience some very “faulty thinking”. I began to exaggerate the scope of my situation and react in some very destructive negative ways. I allowed my circumstances to dictate my mood and behavior. I opened the door for Satan to have a “field-day” with my life. I engaged in negative “self-talk” and destructive behavior that demonstrated spiritual immaturity, emotional turmoil, further impairing my relationship with my husband which resulted in stunting his progress in restorative therapy. Oh the power of thought!
I convinced myself that he had never been honest with me and that I would never be able to trust him again. I knew that he didn’t love me and probably never did. I convinced myself that the only reason he ever married me is because I could make lots of money working and that was all I meant to him, a “meal-ticket”. Notice the “all-encompassing” terms? If you have been using terms like, never, and always, chances are that you are beginning down the same road I’ve been traveling and I’d like to share some “tips for the trip”!
Realize the fact that what we think or tell ourselves about what we are going through doesn’t always square-up with reality. Faulty thinking, or “stinking thinking”, is “the belief that what happens on the outside is the cause of emotional or behavioral reactions, (Thurman, 2008)”. When you find yourself using faulty thinking, stop and use the TRUTH model to develop healthy thinking.
T – Trigger event – An event or life situation that happens to us
Determine the weight of the event. Some events are nickel events
While others are $500.00 events
R – Wrong thinking – Thoughts about the event that are faulty
Giving more value to an event than the event warrants
U – Unhealthy response – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are unhealthy
Slamming doors, using words to hurt the other person, acting out
T – Truth – The reality about the situation
Challenge the faulty thinking with the truth, clarify the situation
H – Healthy reactions – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are healthy
Realize that you don’t have to be held captive by lies
(Thurman, 2008)
It is essential that we learn to develop the mind of Christ. Philippians 4:8 reminds us that, “Whatever is TRUE, think on these things.” The negative effects of faulty thinking can be reversed if we identify the lies that we are telling ourselves, use the TRUTH model to track events, emotional reactions, and evaluate the lies that develop between events and emotional reactions. Be patient, sow truth daily with God’s help, and eventually you will reap healthy emotional reactions. Deeply embedded ways of thinking take time to change. Truth, when believed and practiced, sets us free.
Everyday we are faced with problems and issues that reach deep down in our souls and affect our lives. One such event is finding out that the man we’ve trusted as our friend, lover and spiritual head, has betrayed the vow that he made to us. Your world is suddenly ripped from its orbit and you are cast into the depths of self-doubt and despair. Frankly, I wondered if my marriage was worth it and if my world would ever find its way back to the galaxy it came from. I am still in the process of finding my place. I have come to realize that I will have a long journey ahead of me.
I haven’t been on this journey very long. Last August, my husband admitted his infidelity to me. His admission came as a result of an accountability partner betraying his trust. Earlier in the year he allowed someone to make physical advances to him and he didn’t stop them. At the point of this “Big Reveal”, my husband had struggled with what had happened for six months. With tears in his eyes and his head bowed in shame he told me what had happened. I felt so sorrowful as he told me what had happened. At the end of his story he said, “I am so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, I’ve really messed everything up. I’ll leave right now if you want me to, you have every right”. My heart broke for him. I ran to his side and gave him a hug and affirmation of my love and faithfulness to him. I assured him that I didn’t want him to leave and that we would go through whatever we had to go through together. I felt that the revealing of truth would light the darkness that he had felt for so many months. I had no concept regarding the journey that I was about to begin.
As time progressed, I began to experience some very “faulty thinking”. I began to exaggerate the scope of my situation and react in some very destructive negative ways. I allowed my circumstances to dictate my mood and behavior. I opened the door for Satan to have a “field-day” with my life. I engaged in negative “self-talk” and destructive behavior that demonstrated spiritual immaturity, emotional turmoil, further impairing my relationship with my husband which resulted in stunting his progress in restorative therapy. Oh the power of thought!
I convinced myself that he had never been honest with me and that I would never be able to trust him again. I knew that he didn’t love me and probably never did. I convinced myself that the only reason he ever married me is because I could make lots of money working and that was all I meant to him, a “meal-ticket”. Notice the “all-encompassing” terms? If you have been using terms like, never, and always, chances are that you are beginning down the same road I’ve been traveling and I’d like to share some “tips for the trip”!
Realize the fact that what we think or tell ourselves about what we are going through doesn’t always square-up with reality. Faulty thinking, or “stinking thinking”, is “the belief that what happens on the outside is the cause of emotional or behavioral reactions, (Thurman, 2008)”. When you find yourself using faulty thinking, stop and use the TRUTH model to develop healthy thinking.
T – Trigger event – An event or life situation that happens to us
Determine the weight of the event. Some events are nickel events
While others are $500.00 events
R – Wrong thinking – Thoughts about the event that are faulty
Giving more value to an event than the event warrants
U – Unhealthy response – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are unhealthy
Slamming doors, using words to hurt the other person, acting out
T – Truth – The reality about the situation
Challenge the faulty thinking with the truth, clarify the situation
H – Healthy reactions – Emotional and behavioral reactions that are healthy
Realize that you don’t have to be held captive by lies
(Thurman, 2008)
It is essential that we learn to develop the mind of Christ. Philippians 4:8 reminds us that, “Whatever is TRUE, think on these things.” The negative effects of faulty thinking can be reversed if we identify the lies that we are telling ourselves, use the TRUTH model to track events, emotional reactions, and evaluate the lies that develop between events and emotional reactions. Be patient, sow truth daily with God’s help, and eventually you will reap healthy emotional reactions. Deeply embedded ways of thinking take time to change. Truth, when believed and practiced, sets us free.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Your Trauma Has Found A Voice!
September ‘09 Target Release Date for
Through A Trauma Lens:
Sexual Addiction’s Traumatic Impact On Partners
by Marsha Means, M.A.
Trauma. You’ve undoubtedly felt its excruciating pain as a result of your husband’s sex addiction. And you’re likely intimately acquainted with the roller coaster emotions that follow sex addiction’s discovery; the careening emotions that can plunge you into depression’s darkest recesses or catapult you to heights of anxiety you’ve never before experienced. We’ve heard women express it in thousands of ways. Listen to a few of them describe it in their own words:
- I threw up; couldn’t sleep; couldn’t eat. I cried constantly. I felt horror, anger, rage, terror, fury at God.
- You know that picture of the airplane hitting the tower in New York City? That’s what it’s like in my life.
- I have been having daily Migraines and I’m terrified. I know this will sound silly but I am even sleeping with my Bible.
When I first discovered all this I went into the bedroom where his clothes were hanging and ripped them off of the hangers and threw them, screaming “Who were you?” Am I mourning the death of the man I loved, or am I mourning the discovery that the man I loved never existed?
It's like hanging upside down and not being able to right myself. It's being stabbed over and over again and trying to find solid ground under the slippery pool of my own blood; most of the time it's laying in a shallow grave as most of me dies.
Trauma. You can feel it in these women’s words, can’t you? But what many of you haven’t felt is true understanding and empathy from others who recognize and understand your trauma; others who are equipped and willing to help you heal from it. And that’s why we are so excited to make this announcement about our next book, Through A Trauma Lens: Sexual Addiction’s Traumatic Impact On Partners. Our book has found a home with New Horizon Press and has a target release date of September 2009!
This means that if all goes as planned you will be able to buy your own copy just eleven months from now. It also means that my co-author, Barb Steffens, PhD, and I—along with New Horizon Press—will be doing everything possible to get the word out so that more clergy, counselors, doctors, and ordinary people begin to “get it.” Our passion is to represent you and the pain you’ve experienced to those who can help you feel understood and heard, and who can then walk you through your healing journey to wholeness, whether the man in your life decides to change or not.
We invite you to participate in this project with us by praying for us as we work hard to meet a very short January 2nd completion date while continuing to respond to hurting women via email, phone calls, support groups and one-on-one sessions.
We also invite you to participate by taking part in our anonymous trauma survey. You will find the link to the online survey at this end of this article. Because our book will be filled with women’s trauma experiences we need anonymous stories from women like you that we can weave into the writing. So if you would like to help the world understand the traumatic impact sex addiction had on you—and by sharing help people understand it’s traumatic impact on partners in general—click on the link below and pour out your heart. For women around the world we say “Thank you.”
] Participate in Trauma Survey
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Did Jesus Heal Marriages?
by Coach Christy
In a recent Boundaries Group we discussed the challenges we women face when we attempt to draw boundaries with our sexually addicted husbands. We felt sad that women so often experience strong resistance not only from their husbands, but also from their church community even though boundaries are healthy, important, and necessary—especially with a sex addict. But in spite of their importance, women are often told that boundaries run counter to submission. As we discussed this too-frequent reality, we realized that often Christians—though well intentioned—at times become so eager to heal a marriage they overlook the need for healing of the individuals in that marriage.
As I listened to the group members talk about their failed attempts to enlist their pastor’s or elders’ help in confronting their husband’s sexual sin, I began to wonder how Christ would respond if he still walked the Earth. And then it occurred to me that nowhere in the Bible—nowhere in all the accounts of Christ’s miracles and healings—is there even one account of Jesus healing a marriage. Not a single one. Every account of healing written in Scripture consists of Jesus and an individual or group of individuals. But nowhere is there documented a miracle involving a marriage.
That does not mean that Jesus never healed a marriage; I have no doubt He did. But I believe the emphasis on the individual, one-on-one healing experiences is very significant. Jesus was concerned with the individual. He did not wait to heal people until their spouse was present. Nor did he tell a wife to read scripture, have more faith, and be more submissive so her husband could be healed. Neither did he blame one person for another’s sin or affliction. He had compassion on each individual and healed them, just as he died for each individual.
Does this mean healing marriages isn’t important? Absolutely not. Everything we do at A Woman’s Healing Journey comes from our strong desire to try to help you save your marriage. We women love our husbands, and we recognize our marriages are sacred institutions. Yet we seek to never forget that a marriage is comprised of two individuals. Two individuals who need their own healing, and two individuals whom God holds individually responsible for their walk with him. A marriage cannot be healed unless the individuals in that marriage want, seek, and pursue their own healing.
A three-legged stool provides one picture of marriage; one leg represents the husband; another the wife; and the third, God. All three legs are necessary for the marriage to stand. If one leg breaks, the stool topples. But when sex addiction becomes a part of a marriage, two legs break because the husband’s sin breaks his wife’s heart. There can be no hope of making the stool stand again without repairing—or healing—both of the legs. And only the Master Builder can fix them. But even he cannot do it unless both legs submit to His healing process.
Where does that leave us if our husband is not presently interested in his own healing? We can act on our individual requirement to seek healing for ourselves, and we can ask God to use that process to cause our husbands to yearn for their own healing. One valuable component of that process in our lives includes Biblical boundaries. So often we learn to draw healthy, appropriate boundaries we see our husbands become willing to surrender to their own healing process. And when that happens, healing for our marriage becomes a very real possibility!
] Learn more about Boundaries Support Groups for wives of sex addicts
In a recent Boundaries Group we discussed the challenges we women face when we attempt to draw boundaries with our sexually addicted husbands. We felt sad that women so often experience strong resistance not only from their husbands, but also from their church community even though boundaries are healthy, important, and necessary—especially with a sex addict. But in spite of their importance, women are often told that boundaries run counter to submission. As we discussed this too-frequent reality, we realized that often Christians—though well intentioned—at times become so eager to heal a marriage they overlook the need for healing of the individuals in that marriage.
As I listened to the group members talk about their failed attempts to enlist their pastor’s or elders’ help in confronting their husband’s sexual sin, I began to wonder how Christ would respond if he still walked the Earth. And then it occurred to me that nowhere in the Bible—nowhere in all the accounts of Christ’s miracles and healings—is there even one account of Jesus healing a marriage. Not a single one. Every account of healing written in Scripture consists of Jesus and an individual or group of individuals. But nowhere is there documented a miracle involving a marriage.
That does not mean that Jesus never healed a marriage; I have no doubt He did. But I believe the emphasis on the individual, one-on-one healing experiences is very significant. Jesus was concerned with the individual. He did not wait to heal people until their spouse was present. Nor did he tell a wife to read scripture, have more faith, and be more submissive so her husband could be healed. Neither did he blame one person for another’s sin or affliction. He had compassion on each individual and healed them, just as he died for each individual.
Does this mean healing marriages isn’t important? Absolutely not. Everything we do at A Woman’s Healing Journey comes from our strong desire to try to help you save your marriage. We women love our husbands, and we recognize our marriages are sacred institutions. Yet we seek to never forget that a marriage is comprised of two individuals. Two individuals who need their own healing, and two individuals whom God holds individually responsible for their walk with him. A marriage cannot be healed unless the individuals in that marriage want, seek, and pursue their own healing.
A three-legged stool provides one picture of marriage; one leg represents the husband; another the wife; and the third, God. All three legs are necessary for the marriage to stand. If one leg breaks, the stool topples. But when sex addiction becomes a part of a marriage, two legs break because the husband’s sin breaks his wife’s heart. There can be no hope of making the stool stand again without repairing—or healing—both of the legs. And only the Master Builder can fix them. But even he cannot do it unless both legs submit to His healing process.
Where does that leave us if our husband is not presently interested in his own healing? We can act on our individual requirement to seek healing for ourselves, and we can ask God to use that process to cause our husbands to yearn for their own healing. One valuable component of that process in our lives includes Biblical boundaries. So often we learn to draw healthy, appropriate boundaries we see our husbands become willing to surrender to their own healing process. And when that happens, healing for our marriage becomes a very real possibility!
] Learn more about Boundaries Support Groups for wives of sex addicts
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Two Support Groups Starting Next Week
Marsha Means, M.A., author, speaker, counselor, and former spouse of a sex addict is starting 2 new telephone support groups for wives of sex addicts.
Marsha will help you through the trauma and start you on your healing journey!
For 12-weeks, starting the date and time you select, you will meet with Marsha and your group for an hour and a half.
] Complete Information and Upcoming Registration Dates
Other Counseling Options include:
] One-on-One Coaching Session with Marsha
] Self-led Workbook by Marsha or Marsha's book, Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars
Monday, August 4, 2008
Healing: God, Choice, Relationships, Process
As I listen to hurting women share the heartache that comes with loving a sex addict, there are days when I feel as if I have been ministering beside the pool at Bethesda in Jerusalem, surrounded by the sick, the broken, and the dying. At those times I am reminded of the crippled man who had lived beside the pool for thirty-eight long years, waiting and hoping for his healing. And then one glorious day in his life Jesus came, and he walked straight toward the crippled man lying on there on his mat, right where he’d been for the last thirty-eight years, clinging to the ragged edges of his hope. But Jesus did not just miraculously touch him and give him a new body; instead he asked a question, and a rather strange question at that. He asked, “Do you want to get well?” Apparently healing was available to him, but he had to supply the “want-to” if he wanted to be whole. I believe there is a lesson in that picture for us: healing is a choice.
Healing is a Choice
I have never met a partner of a sex addict who did not want to heal. No one in their right mind would choose to hurt this way. Yet even in our desire for healing we sometimes fail to recognize that our want-to must include our action. Though I am a firm believe in salvation through faith, God’s Word tells us that “Faith without works is dead.” And so I believe it is with the healing of our broken hearts and broken lives; we must search out the resources we need to heal, then pick up the phone and make those calls until we find a place to connect for our healing.
Healing Requires Relationship
Healing rarely happens in a world of one. God is a very relational God, and that’s the way he designed us: to hunger and thirst for relationship and connection; for places to be known, yet loved and accepted. Places where we can bring our deepest pain and be heard in love. Places where others will gently hold up a mirror so they can reflect back to us what they hear and see in our words and countenance.
And those are the kinds of relationships that enable us to begin our healing journey so we don’t waste long years of our lives stranded—like the crippled man beside the pool—without hope or help for decades of our lives. Connection and caring from other women who understand can make all the difference in our lives. Two recent quotes from women in support groups illustrate this point. The first is from a woman whose losses and heartbreak have been far greater than my own, yet she is valiantly fighting to heal. Recently while she shared newly discovered painful information with us she said with great emphasis: “There’s no other place in the whole world where I could say this stuff that I’m saying to you all right now! I’m so glad I have you in my life.”
The second is from a woman on a different continent far, far from the United States. So far in fact that she has to dial into the conference call line to “meet” with our group in the middle of the night! Yet she’s there, putting action to her healing, even in her grogginess. Just last week at the end of a call as she said her “group goodbye” she said: “Thank you all for supporting me the way you do. You’re all truly beautiful!”
Healing is a Process
But just getting together to talk with other hurting partners would not take us very far toward our healing without a healing process. It’s the WANT-TO + RELATIONSHIP + A HEALING PROCESS that helps make healing happen. And of course, God. He is the author of our healing on every level, so even as we use materials that provide a healing process for partners of sex addicts, we incorporate God’s healing love throughout.
As you consider your own healing and where you are in that process, reflect on the following words from a recent group member who has greatly benefited from the blending of these healing components. As you read her words think about whether or not you need to take new action to move further along in your own healing journey.
“I thank God that he allowed me to find you. You have given me hope; you have been able to taste the salt of my tears. You were compassionate. You listened and cared. At first you didn’t mix other stuff in…you just listened. Your compassion gave me hope. Then you gently brought in the truth, gradually, a little at a time, and with each new piece of truth comes new revelation that enables me to “get it,” and to slowly begin to make healthier choices in my life.”
Healing is a Choice
I have never met a partner of a sex addict who did not want to heal. No one in their right mind would choose to hurt this way. Yet even in our desire for healing we sometimes fail to recognize that our want-to must include our action. Though I am a firm believe in salvation through faith, God’s Word tells us that “Faith without works is dead.” And so I believe it is with the healing of our broken hearts and broken lives; we must search out the resources we need to heal, then pick up the phone and make those calls until we find a place to connect for our healing.
Healing Requires Relationship
Healing rarely happens in a world of one. God is a very relational God, and that’s the way he designed us: to hunger and thirst for relationship and connection; for places to be known, yet loved and accepted. Places where we can bring our deepest pain and be heard in love. Places where others will gently hold up a mirror so they can reflect back to us what they hear and see in our words and countenance.
And those are the kinds of relationships that enable us to begin our healing journey so we don’t waste long years of our lives stranded—like the crippled man beside the pool—without hope or help for decades of our lives. Connection and caring from other women who understand can make all the difference in our lives. Two recent quotes from women in support groups illustrate this point. The first is from a woman whose losses and heartbreak have been far greater than my own, yet she is valiantly fighting to heal. Recently while she shared newly discovered painful information with us she said with great emphasis: “There’s no other place in the whole world where I could say this stuff that I’m saying to you all right now! I’m so glad I have you in my life.”
The second is from a woman on a different continent far, far from the United States. So far in fact that she has to dial into the conference call line to “meet” with our group in the middle of the night! Yet she’s there, putting action to her healing, even in her grogginess. Just last week at the end of a call as she said her “group goodbye” she said: “Thank you all for supporting me the way you do. You’re all truly beautiful!”
Healing is a Process
But just getting together to talk with other hurting partners would not take us very far toward our healing without a healing process. It’s the WANT-TO + RELATIONSHIP + A HEALING PROCESS that helps make healing happen. And of course, God. He is the author of our healing on every level, so even as we use materials that provide a healing process for partners of sex addicts, we incorporate God’s healing love throughout.
As you consider your own healing and where you are in that process, reflect on the following words from a recent group member who has greatly benefited from the blending of these healing components. As you read her words think about whether or not you need to take new action to move further along in your own healing journey.
“I thank God that he allowed me to find you. You have given me hope; you have been able to taste the salt of my tears. You were compassionate. You listened and cared. At first you didn’t mix other stuff in…you just listened. Your compassion gave me hope. Then you gently brought in the truth, gradually, a little at a time, and with each new piece of truth comes new revelation that enables me to “get it,” and to slowly begin to make healthier choices in my life.”
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Boundaries Support Group starts Thursday!
Don't miss our first Boundaries support group ...
When we live with an addict of any kind, boundaries become particularly important. But when we live with a sex addict, they become imperative!
We are excited that Christy, a certified Coach, is here to help partners develop or hone essential boundaries skills using the Boundaries materials.
We limit this group to 5 wives of sex addicts and only have 3 open seats!
You will need the Boundaries book and workbook by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend for this group. If you cannot attend the next group, you can still get the book and workbook (below) and familiarize yourself with the materials to attend a future group.
When we live with an addict of any kind, boundaries become particularly important. But when we live with a sex addict, they become imperative!
We are excited that Christy, a certified Coach, is here to help partners develop or hone essential boundaries skills using the Boundaries materials.
- Learn to set clear boundaries in your life
- Establish what you are or are not responsible for
- Protect yourself using physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries
We limit this group to 5 wives of sex addicts and only have 3 open seats!
You will need the Boundaries book and workbook by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend for this group. If you cannot attend the next group, you can still get the book and workbook (below) and familiarize yourself with the materials to attend a future group.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Welcome, Christy, & New Boundaries Telephone Support Groups
A Woman’s Healing Journey welcomes a new ministry team member, Coach Christy! A friend of Marsha’s since 2001, Christy comes with a strong recovery journey of her own and years of practice walking alongside other hurting women. You can learn more about Christy in her bio.
We're delighted to announce that Christy will launch our first Boundaries Telephone Support Group this month, enabling us to offer this much-needed curriculum to partners of sex addicts.
When we live with an addict of any kind, boundaries become particularly important. But when we live with a sex addict, they become imperative! We are excited to announce that with Christy on board we can now help partners develop or hone essential boundaries skills.
You can learn more about the Boundaries groups based on Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s wonderful book and workbook. These groups will follow the same format used in the Partner’s Healing Journey telephone support groups, enabling us to keep the groups small so each participant has plenty of time to share and integrate the material into her life.
We are excited that God is allowing us to walk alongside an increasing number of hurting women with our expanding ministry team. In the months to come, watch for other new resources led by Christy at www.awomanshealingjourney.com. Join us in welcoming Christy on board!
We're delighted to announce that Christy will launch our first Boundaries Telephone Support Group this month, enabling us to offer this much-needed curriculum to partners of sex addicts.
When we live with an addict of any kind, boundaries become particularly important. But when we live with a sex addict, they become imperative! We are excited to announce that with Christy on board we can now help partners develop or hone essential boundaries skills.
You can learn more about the Boundaries groups based on Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s wonderful book and workbook. These groups will follow the same format used in the Partner’s Healing Journey telephone support groups, enabling us to keep the groups small so each participant has plenty of time to share and integrate the material into her life.
We are excited that God is allowing us to walk alongside an increasing number of hurting women with our expanding ministry team. In the months to come, watch for other new resources led by Christy at www.awomanshealingjourney.com. Join us in welcoming Christy on board!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Through the Valley of the Shadows
Through the Valley of the Shadows...
Shared with Marsha by Kristi, a Sister on this journey
I am comforted by the well-known words in Psalm 23. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me . . ." It's interesting that the Psalmist calls it the valley of the "shadow" of death.
When I was a little girl, I remember how I would get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and sometimes be scared of shadowy shapes I saw in my room and down the hallway. I used to see "elephants" in my closet, "snakes" on the floor (dirty socks!) and I once saw a "robber with a gun" in the hallway.
Each time I cried out my dad would come see what was wrong. As soon as he turned on the light, the scary shapes were gone and I saw them for what they were. The "robber in the hall with a gun" was a laundry basket I had played with and left turned upside down with a broom handle sticking out!
Yet even as he talks about the shadow of death, the Psalmist acknowledges that there is evil in the world when he uses the phrasel "fear no evil". On this journey through a broken world filled with sexual addiction, we know there is evil. We've come face to face with it; been knocked down by it; been hurt by it. My comfort and strength is in knowing that the Light--my Heavenly Father--exposes evil for what it is, and its power begins to pale and shrivel in the powerful presence of THE LIGHT. Just as my earthy father's presence turned a robbers with a gun into a laundry basket with a broom, so too my Heavenly Father's light and presence reveals that I pass through only shadows of death on my journey here because as his daughter, I have eternal life. I will never die!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Groundbreaking Book for Wives Released
Wives Dealing with Sexual Betrayal Can Survive
Dr. Barbara Stephens and Marsha Means, M.A. have released the first chapter of their new book focusing on the trauma and post traumatic stress wives of sex addicts experience.
Sexual addiction is a growing epidemic in our society due to several factors, including a sexually saturated media. Many men (and women) act out through extra-marital affairs, prostitution, obsessive masturbation, and addiction to internet relationships and pornography.
“I felt like I had no idea who he was. Information came out slowly and there were layers upon layers of lies that he told to conceal the level of his addiction. I had no idea who my husband was and it scared me … My world that had seemed so secure, was completely falling apart,” explains one wife.
Dr. Barbara Stephens conducted pioneering research into the trauma that sexual betrayal brings to a wife. Her studies indicated that a high percentage of women suffer from trauma and post traumatic stress.
Marsha Means, M.A. is a counselor, author, and former wife of a sex addict. Over the past fifteen years she has counseled thousands of women dealing with their husband’s sexual acting out.
Now, Dr. Stephens has joined forces with Marsha Means, M.A. to author “Through A Trauma Lens: Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma”. These experienced counselors provide researched insight into the devastating pain and confusing symptoms women experience when faced with this addiction.
The first chapter of “Through A Trauma Lens: Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma” is available online at http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/booksandresources/index.php. The full edition is scheduled to be released later this year.
Dr. Barbara Stephens and Marsha Means, M.A. have released the first chapter of their new book focusing on the trauma and post traumatic stress wives of sex addicts experience.
Sexual addiction is a growing epidemic in our society due to several factors, including a sexually saturated media. Many men (and women) act out through extra-marital affairs, prostitution, obsessive masturbation, and addiction to internet relationships and pornography.
“I felt like I had no idea who he was. Information came out slowly and there were layers upon layers of lies that he told to conceal the level of his addiction. I had no idea who my husband was and it scared me … My world that had seemed so secure, was completely falling apart,” explains one wife.
Dr. Barbara Stephens conducted pioneering research into the trauma that sexual betrayal brings to a wife. Her studies indicated that a high percentage of women suffer from trauma and post traumatic stress.
Marsha Means, M.A. is a counselor, author, and former wife of a sex addict. Over the past fifteen years she has counseled thousands of women dealing with their husband’s sexual acting out.
Now, Dr. Stephens has joined forces with Marsha Means, M.A. to author “Through A Trauma Lens: Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma”. These experienced counselors provide researched insight into the devastating pain and confusing symptoms women experience when faced with this addiction.
The first chapter of “Through A Trauma Lens: Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma” is available online at http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/booksandresources/index.php. The full edition is scheduled to be released later this year.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
The Joys & Gems in the Rubble of Sex Addiction
Discovering sex addiction in your marriage hurts like no other pain experienced in life. It stabs; pierces; rips; shreds; and destroys your dreams and beliefs about your most sacred bond with another human being. Yet this side of my own heartache and loss, every day of my life I am privileged to find beautiful gems in the devastation and rubble of other women’s broken lives and dreams. Each day I learn anew that the world is full of wonderful, amazing women, though many of you are temporarily out of touch with your own miraculous beauty, value, and worth.
Discovering sex addiction in your marriage hurts like no other pain experienced in life. It stabs; pierces; rips; shreds; and destroys your dreams and beliefs about your most sacred bond with another human being. Yet this side of my own heartache and loss, every day of my life I am privileged to find beautiful gems in the devastation and rubble of other women’s broken lives and dreams. Each day I learn anew that the world is full of wonderful, amazing women, though many of you are temporarily out of touch with your own miraculous beauty, value, and worth.
One of my greatest pleasures in life comes from listening to women’s stories, letting them pour out the pain they are presently enduring, then walking with them for several months as I seek to guide them on their own journey toward healing, renewed belief in themselves, and a new dream for a life filled with joy and purpose, even if their husbands don't choose that path along with them.
I have the wonderful joy of helping this healing happen in loving community; in small, safe, confidential groups that grow to love you. This "family of sisters" provides the ideal community for healing the heartbreak sex addiction brings. Women "...need to be frequently reminded of who they are by those who love them," write the authors of Living from the Heart that Jesus Gave You. They "...need real, live, loving spiritual families to heal, to grow and to thrive."
And in that environment anything becomes possible--even beginning to see yourself the way I see you--the way God sees you: as a precious, beautiful, sparkling gem with incredible value and worth, no longer defined by your husband's mistakes and choices. "Once people know who they truly are and understand the power and beauty of their God-given characteristics, their passion, purpose, talents, and pain will all come together and begin to define specifically who they are," continue the authors quoted above.
I guess you could say I've become a gemologist who finds magnificent stones in the strangest of places! My prayer for you is that you will one day be able to see yourself as I see you--and as God sees you: as the beautiful, rare, valuable gem whom God has gifted with a unique story and a very special life-purpose.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
May 2008 Newsletter for Spouses of Sex Addicts
The Goose & the Power of the Group
Day after day I encounter trauma in the lives of hurting women—women who’ve experienced sexual betrayal from the man they love. In each of their voices and each of their stories I hear the raw, searing pain that comes with the discovery that much of what they have believed about their lives is not real. None of us is equipped to face, endure, process, and heal from such gut-level agony on our own.
Over the years I have come to see that the very best way to heal from the overwhelming trauma caused by sexual betrayal is in the company of a few other women who are sisters on this particular journey. We desperately need each other and the “power of the group” to make it through our healing process and whatever lies ahead. In a group with a guided healing process we begin to recognize we are not alone; it is not about us; and we do not have to be victims, among many other things.
] Continue Reading
NEW! Preview Edition ...Viewing Sexual Betrayal as Trauma
Preview Marsha's new book with co-author Barb Steffens, Ph. D. These two counseling professionals shed light on the trauma you endure from your partner's sexual behavior."We understand that your pain is traumatic, and we're pleased to provide the first book that addresses your pain through a trauma lens and provides a route to healing, no matter what choices your husband makes." – Marsha Means, MA
] More Information
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The Power of Story
The Power of Story
Everyday I am reminded of the power contained in our stories as new wome share chapters of their stories with me through email and telephone. And though the stories I hear contain heartache, loss, and often very little hope, I love hearing them because across the decades of my own story God has taught me that our healing begins with our stories.
But I've also learned not every one agrees with me. I encountered a fresh reminder of that reality recently when I invited someone dear to me to use her talent and story to help other hurting women by using the pain in her past. Afterall, I thought, she survived her own painful loss and went on to rebuild her life--a life full of love and new beginnings. I felt dissapointment when she wrote back that she was willing as long as she wouldn't have to "rehash" her past. "I'm really not into that stuff," she wrote. "I feel like letting bygones be bygones and using one's life challenges as opportunities for growth."
While I agree that our challenges serve as opportunities for growth, this young woman missed the heart of my invitation and my life message: God wants to use our challenges not only as opportunities for our growth, but also as opportunities for others' healing and growth.
Hopefully in time she will experience the joy I am blessed with each day as I listen to miracles take place between the hearts of women who are willing to be vulnerably transparent with their stories. As they share--not the pretty, polished, I-look-really-good-parts--but the hurt, the loss, and yes even the mistakes, women find connection, support, and encouragement for the darkest days in their stories. In their sharing they become "Jesus with skin on" in one another's lives, and healing begins to take place.
That's what I call the Power of Story. That's what I call the miraculous!
Your Sister on this journey,
Marsha
Friday, March 28, 2008
Help for Spouses of Sex Addicts
Greetings and welcome to "Help for Spouses of Sex Addicts" a new blog by Marsha Means, M.A. and A Woman's Healing Journey.
Marsha Means is an author, speaker, and counselor on the topic of dealing with your husband's sexual betrayal. She is also a former wife of a sex addict.
From porn addiction to use of prostitutes, Marsha has helped women to cope with their husband's sexual acting out. She formed A Woman's Healing Journey, an online organization that delivers healing and hope to women across the globe.
For more information, please visit www.awomanshealingjourney.com.
Marsha Means is an author, speaker, and counselor on the topic of dealing with your husband's sexual betrayal. She is also a former wife of a sex addict.
From porn addiction to use of prostitutes, Marsha has helped women to cope with their husband's sexual acting out. She formed A Woman's Healing Journey, an online organization that delivers healing and hope to women across the globe.
For more information, please visit www.awomanshealingjourney.com.
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