We are thrilled to tell you that we are now part of a Christian non-profit called Educational Support Services (ESS). Our “adoption” by ESS enables us to begin receiving tax-deductable donations. ESS has a passion to bring educational, supportive services—such as sex addiction recovery—to those who feel lost and alone with their pain. ESS founder and president, Greg Farnworth, a former pastor, shares our passion to provide relevant resources to enable Christians to face and triumph over today’s biggest threat to individuals, the family, and the Church itself. We thank God, and Greg and his Board of Directors, for supporting our work in this way.
http://ping.fm/A4ssG
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Would you consider sharing your story (anonymously if needed) to let other wives know that they are not alone. Visit http://ping.fm/q4sAC
to read other stories and share yours!
to read other stories and share yours!
Friday, August 28, 2009
A Woman's Healing Journey - September 2009 Newsletter
A newsletter for wives of sex addicts.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's Inside this Month's Newsletter ...
] What do the Author of "The Shack" & Your Husband Have in Common?
] Upcoming Support Groups
] Story: 11 Years of Lies
] Will You Be Our Friend?
Marsha MeansWhat do the Author of “The Shack”& Your Husband Have
in Common?
While in the States recently for a family reunion, I spotted the
following words on the cover of a Guideposts™ magazine:
“Paul Young: ‘Why I wrote The Shack.’” I eagerly picked up the
magazine and quickly flipped to the story to discover for myself
just what had inspired Paul Young to write this little bestseller
that everyone is talking about. The story has really impacted my
life, and it left me wondering where Paul found the inspiration and
imagery that made Jesus seem so real and available in the 21st
Century.
] Continue Reading this Article at http://ping.fm/6Vg2w
Upcoming Support Groups
Partner's Healing Journey Support Group
Wednesdays
] Learn More about these Groups at http://ping.fm/Jg4KH
Wives of Same-Sex Attracted Husbands
Thursdays
] Learn More about these Groups at http://ping.fm/3JlO1
Story: 11 Years of Lies
A few months into our marriage, I woke up late one night and
noticed he had not come to bed. I got up to see if he had fallen
asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but instead I found him in
our office. He was sitting in front of the laptop ...
] Keep Reading this Story from the Wife of a Sex Addict at http://ping.fm/rHz1z
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's Inside this Month's Newsletter ...
] What do the Author of "The Shack" & Your Husband Have in Common?
] Upcoming Support Groups
] Story: 11 Years of Lies
] Will You Be Our Friend?
Marsha MeansWhat do the Author of “The Shack”& Your Husband Have
in Common?
While in the States recently for a family reunion, I spotted the
following words on the cover of a Guideposts™ magazine:
“Paul Young: ‘Why I wrote The Shack.’” I eagerly picked up the
magazine and quickly flipped to the story to discover for myself
just what had inspired Paul Young to write this little bestseller
that everyone is talking about. The story has really impacted my
life, and it left me wondering where Paul found the inspiration and
imagery that made Jesus seem so real and available in the 21st
Century.
] Continue Reading this Article at http://ping.fm/6Vg2w
Upcoming Support Groups
Partner's Healing Journey Support Group
Wednesdays
] Learn More about these Groups at http://ping.fm/Jg4KH
Wives of Same-Sex Attracted Husbands
Thursdays
] Learn More about these Groups at http://ping.fm/3JlO1
Story: 11 Years of Lies
A few months into our marriage, I woke up late one night and
noticed he had not come to bed. I got up to see if he had fallen
asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but instead I found him in
our office. He was sitting in front of the laptop ...
] Keep Reading this Story from the Wife of a Sex Addict at http://ping.fm/rHz1z
Just posted a new article, What Do the Author of "The Shack" & Your Husband Have in Common? at http://ping.fm/MJpZF
Friday, August 14, 2009
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal
Now Available! Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal Sexual addictions and compulsive sexual behavior are growing societal problems, with as many as three to six percent of the world population affected. Your Sexually Addicted Partner shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted. ] Learn More about Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal |
Monday, June 8, 2009
One Wife's Story, 6 Weeks Into HIS Recovery
I knew he had been looking at porn before we got together, and since he had been single for a while, I understood (although I hated it) and never really thought it was a big deal. I never really gave it much thought at all. Until one day, about six months after we were married, I noticed how rarely we were having sex. (Having sex, not making love. Didn't really realize that distinction til after.) Since we both have really high libidos—a match made in heaven in that regard, as well as many others—I figured out in a flash that the masturbation was cutting into my action!
I said hey, that’s got to stop, that stuff is stealing our ...
] Keep Reading this Story from the Wife of a Sex Addict
I said hey, that’s got to stop, that stuff is stealing our ...
] Keep Reading this Story from the Wife of a Sex Addict
Monday, June 1, 2009
My New Life in Mazatlan, Mexico
What comes to your mind when you hear the word Mexico? Drug wars? Swine Flue? A tropical paradise with beautiful beaches?
In the three weeks since I drove into my new city of Mazatlan, Mexico I’ve only begun to absorb the kaleidoscope of color and the symphony of sound that excites my senses and enriches life here. But already I know I love this place. And I know that in the months and years ahead I will want to share with you often about this vibrant new country I call home, as well as tell you about the locals who’ve made room in their world for me.
But today I want to answer the question I’ve been asked most often since heading south: Why did you move to Mexico, and why did you choose Mazatlan?
] Finish Reading about Marsha's Move to Mexico
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
New Support Group for Alumni!
Facilitated by Marsha, the Process Support groups are for women who have already done a Partner's Healing Journey Group, but who feel they need continued support, guidance, and a way to process what they are dealing with for awhile. If you find you aren't yet ready to do it on your own, a Process Support Group would likely provide the support and direction you need.
Next Process Support Group starts on Monday!!
] Complete Information on the Process Support Group
Next Process Support Group starts on Monday!!
] Complete Information on the Process Support Group
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Click Here for More Information!Monday, April 13, 2009
Counselors, Support Group Leaders for Wives of Sex Addicts
Good Morning!
With Marsha's coming move to Mexico, A Woman's Healing Journey is liquidating as much of its inventory as possible. This spells OPPORTUNITY for those that supply workbooks to support group members or to clients.
Counselors. Some of you give copies of Partner's Healing Journey workbooks to your clients, this is an awesome service that arms wives with the tools to cope with their husband's acting out and to begin to heal.
Support Groups Facilitators. You use the workbook on a weekly basis to lead wives on their healing journey. The workbook provides an easy format for support group facilitation, even if you are not trained as a counselor.
Churches. Increasingly, church staffs are faced with the pain of sex addiction in parishioner's lives. You can provide truly helpful support and a pathway for understanding and healing by giving hurting partners of sex addicts a workbook.
If you do not have a support group started yet, we have prepared a Leading the Group download (attached) to help you lead a group.
Here is the opportunity! We have several cases of workbooks that we would rather not move! Each case has 50 workbooks and we are willing to extend the current discount (2 workbooks for $10) to entire cases.
50 workbooks (1 case) for $250
This is a $750 retail value that can increase funds for your organization or ministry, or allow you to give out free workbooks, or pass the discount along to your clients/group members.
Supply is limited and after Marsha's move, these prices will no longer be available!
] Purchase a Case Today
Helping Wives of Addicts,
A Woman's Healing Journey Staff
www.awomanshealingjourney.com
With Marsha's coming move to Mexico, A Woman's Healing Journey is liquidating as much of its inventory as possible. This spells OPPORTUNITY for those that supply workbooks to support group members or to clients.
Counselors. Some of you give copies of Partner's Healing Journey workbooks to your clients, this is an awesome service that arms wives with the tools to cope with their husband's acting out and to begin to heal.
Support Groups Facilitators. You use the workbook on a weekly basis to lead wives on their healing journey. The workbook provides an easy format for support group facilitation, even if you are not trained as a counselor.
Churches. Increasingly, church staffs are faced with the pain of sex addiction in parishioner's lives. You can provide truly helpful support and a pathway for understanding and healing by giving hurting partners of sex addicts a workbook.
If you do not have a support group started yet, we have prepared a Leading the Group download (attached) to help you lead a group.
Here is the opportunity! We have several cases of workbooks that we would rather not move! Each case has 50 workbooks and we are willing to extend the current discount (2 workbooks for $10) to entire cases.
50 workbooks (1 case) for $250
This is a $750 retail value that can increase funds for your organization or ministry, or allow you to give out free workbooks, or pass the discount along to your clients/group members.
Supply is limited and after Marsha's move, these prices will no longer be available!
] Purchase a Case Today
Helping Wives of Addicts,
A Woman's Healing Journey Staff
www.awomanshealingjourney.com
Thursday, April 2, 2009
What Do Moving to Mexico & Walking on Water Have in Common?
by Marsha Means
I’ve been meaning to read “The Shack” for the last year as woman after woman has shared how it changed their view of God, but I never quite got around to it. Not until now. And like so much about life post the-discovery-of-sex-addiction-in-our-personal worlds, this little book was written “for such a time as this.”
You see, even though I’m six years post-discovery, I’m still working at rebuilding my life, as is Mack, “The Shack’s” main character. In one of my favorite passages from this story of Mack’s weekend spent high in the mountains of my beloved Pacific Northwest with the three members of the Godhead, he and Jesus—who’s always dressed in blue jeans—are about to take a walk to the other side of the lake. However…
“Instead of angling off to one side of the lake or the other…Jesus headed straight for the dock…Mack next assumed that they would be taking one of the canoes nestled against the dock pylons, and he was surprised when Jesus didn’t hesitate as he passed the third and last of them, heading directly for the end of the pier. Reaching the end of the dock, he turned to Mack and grinned.
“After you,” he said with a mock flourish and a bow.
“You’re kidding, right?” sputtered Mack. “I thought we were going for a walk, not a swim.”
“We are. I just thought going across the lake would take less time than going around it.”
….He looked up at Jesus with a frozen grimace on his face….
“C’mon, Mack. If Peter can do it…”
….”You want me to walk on the water to the other side—…?”
“You’re a quick one, Mack. Nobody gonna slide anything past you, that’s for sure. C’mon, it’s fun!” He laughed….
I’ll let you read for yourself how Mack’s walk to the head of the lake with Jesus turned out. Until then, you won’t know if he stayed dry or fell in. It’s a life-changing story, so be sure to read it. But I want to ask you a question: Have you ever felt like Mack? Afraid of what you hear Jesus asking you to do? I know I have, and to a certain extent, I feel that way right now.
You see, I’m about to take a walk with Jesus, that in some ways, feels as unnerving as walking on water. In just thirty days, I am moving to Mexico. It’s taken me four-and-a-half years to become willing to step this far from shore, but finally—as long as I know Jesus is walking with me—I’ve begun see it as an adventure, and a life-saver.
An adventure in new discoveries; in learning a new language and new culture; but most of all, an adventure in faith, which is already being stretched as I seek to jump through the many hoops required to move across a border. And a life-saver because I’ve been unable to get health insurance in the U.S. for the last five years, but in Mexico medical expenses are so reasonably priced I can afford most medical care by paying out of pocket.
I will continue to minister through the website, the telephone, and by writing, so nothing about that aspect of my life will change. And once settled—and after learning the language and learning how to drive in a country that doesn’t stop at stop signs (literally!)—life should be easier financially. But between now and then, I need your prayers.
In the four weeks ahead, please pray that God will multiply my 1) time to do everything there is to do while still running my ministry; 2) that God will multiply my financial resources so I can cover the expenses such a move requires; and 3) that God will multiply my energy to meet the seemingly endless list of things that must be accomplished by April 29th. And as you pray, I invite you to check out my “Moving to Mexico” blog to read and see how God is answering your prayers in my life.
Your Sister on this journey,
Marsha Means
You see, even though I’m six years post-discovery, I’m still working at rebuilding my life, as is Mack, “The Shack’s” main character. In one of my favorite passages from this story of Mack’s weekend spent high in the mountains of my beloved Pacific Northwest with the three members of the Godhead, he and Jesus—who’s always dressed in blue jeans—are about to take a walk to the other side of the lake. However…
“Instead of angling off to one side of the lake or the other…Jesus headed straight for the dock…Mack next assumed that they would be taking one of the canoes nestled against the dock pylons, and he was surprised when Jesus didn’t hesitate as he passed the third and last of them, heading directly for the end of the pier. Reaching the end of the dock, he turned to Mack and grinned.
“After you,” he said with a mock flourish and a bow.
“You’re kidding, right?” sputtered Mack. “I thought we were going for a walk, not a swim.”
“We are. I just thought going across the lake would take less time than going around it.”
….He looked up at Jesus with a frozen grimace on his face….
“C’mon, Mack. If Peter can do it…”
….”You want me to walk on the water to the other side—…?”
“You’re a quick one, Mack. Nobody gonna slide anything past you, that’s for sure. C’mon, it’s fun!” He laughed….
I’ll let you read for yourself how Mack’s walk to the head of the lake with Jesus turned out. Until then, you won’t know if he stayed dry or fell in. It’s a life-changing story, so be sure to read it. But I want to ask you a question: Have you ever felt like Mack? Afraid of what you hear Jesus asking you to do? I know I have, and to a certain extent, I feel that way right now.
You see, I’m about to take a walk with Jesus, that in some ways, feels as unnerving as walking on water. In just thirty days, I am moving to Mexico. It’s taken me four-and-a-half years to become willing to step this far from shore, but finally—as long as I know Jesus is walking with me—I’ve begun see it as an adventure, and a life-saver.
An adventure in new discoveries; in learning a new language and new culture; but most of all, an adventure in faith, which is already being stretched as I seek to jump through the many hoops required to move across a border. And a life-saver because I’ve been unable to get health insurance in the U.S. for the last five years, but in Mexico medical expenses are so reasonably priced I can afford most medical care by paying out of pocket.
I will continue to minister through the website, the telephone, and by writing, so nothing about that aspect of my life will change. And once settled—and after learning the language and learning how to drive in a country that doesn’t stop at stop signs (literally!)—life should be easier financially. But between now and then, I need your prayers.
In the four weeks ahead, please pray that God will multiply my 1) time to do everything there is to do while still running my ministry; 2) that God will multiply my financial resources so I can cover the expenses such a move requires; and 3) that God will multiply my energy to meet the seemingly endless list of things that must be accomplished by April 29th. And as you pray, I invite you to check out my “Moving to Mexico” blog to read and see how God is answering your prayers in my life.
Your Sister on this journey,
Marsha Means
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sex Addiction and the Ministry
Not Immune
By Rev. Joyce Wise, MSN
I was raise in a Christian home with a long history of ministers in the family. From my earliest recollection I remember my mother telling me that, “God gave you to me when I was told I couldn’t have any more babies. You were born for a special purpose; God has His hand upon your life”. At times I resented the fact that I had a “special purpose” and as a teenager, I rebelled. It wasn’t what you would call a “bad kid”, but I wanted to make up my own mind about my purpose in life.
I was very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and on more than one occasion I completely gave my life to the Lord and declared, “I’ll go where You want me to go; and I’ll do what You want me to do Lord”. In 1976, at the age of 22, I was on a mission’s trip to Mexicali, Mexico; there God called me into full time ministry. I was elated that He would see fit to call. I knew that I would need a husband who had the same heart, so I prayed. As I sought God in the matter of a husband I dreamt about my high school boyfriend. Every time I prayed my dreams were about him and every time I would awaken and tell God that, “that’s okay, I can be happy being single”. You see, he had hurt me so badly as a teenager. I loved him and he rejected me saying he “thought he was gay” – I never wanted to be hurt by him again.
Two years later my former boyfriend came home and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Apparently, while I was praying he was praying too and God revealed to him that I was the one he would marry. I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! He had lost his chance. He asked three more times that evening and my answer remained the same. That night I argued with God – not a good idea! He revealed to me that we were new creatures and that everything would be okay, “trust Me”. God dealt with me for 4 days. On the forth day I said yes. Honestly, my yes was more out of obedience than love – at least that’s what I told myself all these years.
We have been married for almost 30 years now. In fact, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary on June 30th. Over the years he has reassured me of his love and faithfulness to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father. During our years together we have had 2 terrific, now adult; children and we have four grandchildren. My husband has been an ordained minister for 26 years and I also held ministerial credentials with the same organization. We had been with our last church for 17years, were very active and well respected in our community, and still live in this community. We don't plan on leaving!
Last year our world was catapulted into another galaxy and our lives as we had come to know them changed forever. In February of 2007, my husband had a sexual encounter with another man. My husband was very ashamed that this happened and he didn't tell me, but he did tell an accountability person. This person did not keep my husband's confidence and told another person, who told the church board, who confronted my husband on August 23rd, of 2007. At the time that he was confronted, I still didn't know about his betrayal.
On August 24th, 2007, about an hour after my husband went to work he returned home, broken and in tears. "I never meant to hurt you...” he began. Then began to tell me what had happened months before. He lost his job as pastor, we lost our church, and we lost our friends there; we were not even permitted to say goodbye.
I thought we had it all together! How could this have happened? We were ministers. We were serving the Lord. It was almost as if we were supposed to be immune to sin. We all know that the prince of darkness “roams the earth seeking whom he may devour”, but why? How?
The truth is that statistically 40% of our clergy in the United States struggle with sex addictions of one form or the other. In the denomination that we were with there are 1600 licensed ministers in the Southern California area. According to the reported statics 40% of this sample would be 460 ministers. It just so happens that that is the number of churches that the denomination has in Southern California. Feasibly, this means that there could be at least 1 minister in each church struggling with sex addiction. This is just one faith group!
None of us are immune. As a church there is a need for us to begin to talk about uncomfortable issues. Pastor's and Ministry wives - don't isolate yourself. It is essential that you have at least one person who you can talk to without having to put on "airs". You all know what I mean. Find a friend that you can trust and share your hurts and pain with. Re-establish your connection with God. God will get you through and will bring individuals into your life that you can trust and who will love you no matter what. Establish a network of friends - blog with each other. I never knew any other way. I have always been a pastor's wife. I have always been in ministry. I had a hard time viewing myself outside of ministry - this is such a feeling of loss, a loss of myself.
I wonder how many of you have had to deal with this additional challenge? You know, the typical person who deals with sexual betrayal is able to turn to their church, their pastor and their social network, (usually at their church). This has been a long difficult road - NO ONE should have to feel they have to face the road alone. If you have felt the additional loss of ministry, I would love to start a dialogue. There are other Pastor/Ministry wives who are going out through this type of pain - please don't let them go through it alone.
Redirected in ministry,
Coach Joyce
By Rev. Joyce Wise, MSN
I was raise in a Christian home with a long history of ministers in the family. From my earliest recollection I remember my mother telling me that, “God gave you to me when I was told I couldn’t have any more babies. You were born for a special purpose; God has His hand upon your life”. At times I resented the fact that I had a “special purpose” and as a teenager, I rebelled. It wasn’t what you would call a “bad kid”, but I wanted to make up my own mind about my purpose in life.
I was very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and on more than one occasion I completely gave my life to the Lord and declared, “I’ll go where You want me to go; and I’ll do what You want me to do Lord”. In 1976, at the age of 22, I was on a mission’s trip to Mexicali, Mexico; there God called me into full time ministry. I was elated that He would see fit to call. I knew that I would need a husband who had the same heart, so I prayed. As I sought God in the matter of a husband I dreamt about my high school boyfriend. Every time I prayed my dreams were about him and every time I would awaken and tell God that, “that’s okay, I can be happy being single”. You see, he had hurt me so badly as a teenager. I loved him and he rejected me saying he “thought he was gay” – I never wanted to be hurt by him again.
Two years later my former boyfriend came home and asked me to marry him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Apparently, while I was praying he was praying too and God revealed to him that I was the one he would marry. I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! He had lost his chance. He asked three more times that evening and my answer remained the same. That night I argued with God – not a good idea! He revealed to me that we were new creatures and that everything would be okay, “trust Me”. God dealt with me for 4 days. On the forth day I said yes. Honestly, my yes was more out of obedience than love – at least that’s what I told myself all these years.
We have been married for almost 30 years now. In fact, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary on June 30th. Over the years he has reassured me of his love and faithfulness to me. He has been a wonderful husband and father. During our years together we have had 2 terrific, now adult; children and we have four grandchildren. My husband has been an ordained minister for 26 years and I also held ministerial credentials with the same organization. We had been with our last church for 17years, were very active and well respected in our community, and still live in this community. We don't plan on leaving!
Last year our world was catapulted into another galaxy and our lives as we had come to know them changed forever. In February of 2007, my husband had a sexual encounter with another man. My husband was very ashamed that this happened and he didn't tell me, but he did tell an accountability person. This person did not keep my husband's confidence and told another person, who told the church board, who confronted my husband on August 23rd, of 2007. At the time that he was confronted, I still didn't know about his betrayal.
On August 24th, 2007, about an hour after my husband went to work he returned home, broken and in tears. "I never meant to hurt you...” he began. Then began to tell me what had happened months before. He lost his job as pastor, we lost our church, and we lost our friends there; we were not even permitted to say goodbye.
I thought we had it all together! How could this have happened? We were ministers. We were serving the Lord. It was almost as if we were supposed to be immune to sin. We all know that the prince of darkness “roams the earth seeking whom he may devour”, but why? How?
The truth is that statistically 40% of our clergy in the United States struggle with sex addictions of one form or the other. In the denomination that we were with there are 1600 licensed ministers in the Southern California area. According to the reported statics 40% of this sample would be 460 ministers. It just so happens that that is the number of churches that the denomination has in Southern California. Feasibly, this means that there could be at least 1 minister in each church struggling with sex addiction. This is just one faith group!
None of us are immune. As a church there is a need for us to begin to talk about uncomfortable issues. Pastor's and Ministry wives - don't isolate yourself. It is essential that you have at least one person who you can talk to without having to put on "airs". You all know what I mean. Find a friend that you can trust and share your hurts and pain with. Re-establish your connection with God. God will get you through and will bring individuals into your life that you can trust and who will love you no matter what. Establish a network of friends - blog with each other. I never knew any other way. I have always been a pastor's wife. I have always been in ministry. I had a hard time viewing myself outside of ministry - this is such a feeling of loss, a loss of myself.
I wonder how many of you have had to deal with this additional challenge? You know, the typical person who deals with sexual betrayal is able to turn to their church, their pastor and their social network, (usually at their church). This has been a long difficult road - NO ONE should have to feel they have to face the road alone. If you have felt the additional loss of ministry, I would love to start a dialogue. There are other Pastor/Ministry wives who are going out through this type of pain - please don't let them go through it alone.
Redirected in ministry,
Coach Joyce
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thoughts From Coach Joyce's Husband
It amazes me what God is doing in our lives. Recently, my husband, Al posted his thoughts on his facebook page. With his permission I am posting them here as well. Our hope is that Our story will help those who are hurting, feel isolated and rejected. We are all in this together. I look forward to your comments.
Sucky Saturday – The Depressing Time Between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday
Good Friday is only “good” because of Sunday. But between these two special days is Sucky Saturday, especially when Sunday seems slow in coming.
The tired employee’s exclamation “Thank God it’s Friday” certainly doesn’t apply to the first Good Friday. The passion of the Christ included being beaten down, cursed, mocked, spat upon and crucified – all through no fault of his own. He endured that we might advance. Sunday came with the revelation of God’s greatest miracle – Jesus’ resurrection - our redemption.
But what about Sucky Saturday? I can only imagine the heartache of the disciples living in Saturday.
They had lived with this man every day for 3 years then suddenly, unexplainably, he was gone. Their lives were in chaos and there was the matter of their guilt.
Judas committed suicide. Peter denied he ever knew Jesus. All but John deserted their friend during his darkest hours on the cross. Can you imagine what that must have felt like?
Have you experienced your own Passion Friday and Sucky Saturday?
Something catastrophic has happened – a death, a divorce, an addiction gets a stronghold, a job is lost, a moral failure – circumstance that will change your life forever. That’s Friday and there’s nothing good about it. It’s your own private “passion” – a time of pain, anguish and regret.
All of a sudden you’re alone. God seems far away – you’re racked with pain, guilt or disappointment – most of your friends have deserted you – some have even denied being your friend so as not to be associated with your situation. Your own family doesn’t understand. People wag the finger at you. There’s no way out. The future is uncertain. All hope seems lost.
Welcome to Sucky Saturday.
In his work, The Cloud of Unknowing, the unknown 14th Century writer describes a state of mind in which the presence of God is conceptually known but not always felt. It’s the time, (in what can seem like an eternity lasting for days, months or years) where we doubt our faith and believe God has turned his back on us. We return the favor and pass judgment on God, questioning His intentions. God becomes the Angry Judge instead of the Compassionate Father awaiting his prodigal son’s return.
This is normal behavior for Saturday dwellers - completely known to God - covered in his grace. Saturdays give us time to reflect both on our situation and God’s solution. Saturday’s invite introspection, reflection and contemplation. While questions remain, (“Why me?” Why did this have to happen?” “What have I done?” What the hell is going on?”), so also does God’s love.
I speak from tragic experience.
My Friday consisted of a grievous sexual encounter which revealed an inner addiction. It cost me dearly. Overnight, I lost my job and ministry of 16 years. I compromised my standing and reputation in the community. 95% of my friends disappeared in a heartbeat and my wife was devastated by my unfaithfulness. A “friend” literally called me, “The bastard pastor.”
My Saturday began with withdrawal. I didn’t want to speak with anyone or go anywhere. I was ashamed to show my face in public. I waited until after dark to go to an ATM. Depression set in and I lost 20 lbs. I entered my version of what Saint John of the Cross called, The Dark Night of the Soul.”
I didn’t want to go to church or have anything to do with God. He was a mean, vindictive judge. God was punishing me for my sin. I could no longer feel his presence and, quite honestly, I’m not sure I wanted to. While I had shown grace to so many, there was none for me.
Then I started to reflect. With the help of a wonderful therapist (whom I still see), I began to gain some clarity. With Dr. Finley’s help, I began to see little glimpses of God’s grace. I began to understand myself and find the answers I had searched for all my life. Answers to questions I had always been afraid to ask. I was promoted at work to a management position after only 3 months on the job. My wife began to come into her own. Joyce became her own person and started to assist other wives whose husbands had been unfaithful or were sexually addicted.
I started to write again. Articles that expressed my state of understanding. Some of the titles include, All That Awaits Me, Difficult Thoughts, Duplicity, Gotta Ask, How the Mighty Have Fallen, I Just Don’t Get It, Sitting In your Pews, My Cold Black Heart, The Tamer of the Beast and The Long Road Back
Then God began to speak to me again. He was probably speaking to me all the time but I didn’t have ears to hear. One day I wrote a lament about my tragic life and found God lovingly answered back. In my spiritual mind God said, “I had to strip you of all that you held dear in order to get your attention. The person you pretended to be had to be exposed so you would stop deceiving yourself. I know it is hard but it’s not because I don’t love you. In fact it is because I love you that the facade had to disappear.”
I understood that the duplicity in my life needed to be removed if I were to ever be one with Christ. Two masters can not be served; light and dark can not co-exist.
It is late on Saturday. The numbness of the moment has passed. I have become comfortable in my cloud of unknowing. I have so many answers - many more yet are to come. I am not satisfied where I am but have learned to be content with my progress. Progress, not perfection is my goal.
I have actually come to a point where I think I can begin to thank God for what has happened to me and in me. I can pray with the 14th Century mystic, “That which I am and the way that I am, with all my gifts of nature and grace you have given to me, Oh Lord, I offer it all to you principally to praise you and to help my fellow Christians and myself.”
It’s still Saturday and at times it still sucks, but Sunday’s coming. Perhaps then I‘ll be able to look back and say “Ahh, it was a Good Friday after all.”
If you’d like to know more, or if there are those who would be helped by sharing our story, please feel free to contact us.
Al Wise
(310) 766-4731, alwise2@aol.com
Joyce Wise
(310) 766-4730, joyce@awomanshealingjourney.com
February 2009
Sucky Saturday – The Depressing Time Between Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday
Good Friday is only “good” because of Sunday. But between these two special days is Sucky Saturday, especially when Sunday seems slow in coming.
The tired employee’s exclamation “Thank God it’s Friday” certainly doesn’t apply to the first Good Friday. The passion of the Christ included being beaten down, cursed, mocked, spat upon and crucified – all through no fault of his own. He endured that we might advance. Sunday came with the revelation of God’s greatest miracle – Jesus’ resurrection - our redemption.
But what about Sucky Saturday? I can only imagine the heartache of the disciples living in Saturday.
They had lived with this man every day for 3 years then suddenly, unexplainably, he was gone. Their lives were in chaos and there was the matter of their guilt.
Judas committed suicide. Peter denied he ever knew Jesus. All but John deserted their friend during his darkest hours on the cross. Can you imagine what that must have felt like?
Have you experienced your own Passion Friday and Sucky Saturday?
Something catastrophic has happened – a death, a divorce, an addiction gets a stronghold, a job is lost, a moral failure – circumstance that will change your life forever. That’s Friday and there’s nothing good about it. It’s your own private “passion” – a time of pain, anguish and regret.
All of a sudden you’re alone. God seems far away – you’re racked with pain, guilt or disappointment – most of your friends have deserted you – some have even denied being your friend so as not to be associated with your situation. Your own family doesn’t understand. People wag the finger at you. There’s no way out. The future is uncertain. All hope seems lost.
Welcome to Sucky Saturday.
In his work, The Cloud of Unknowing, the unknown 14th Century writer describes a state of mind in which the presence of God is conceptually known but not always felt. It’s the time, (in what can seem like an eternity lasting for days, months or years) where we doubt our faith and believe God has turned his back on us. We return the favor and pass judgment on God, questioning His intentions. God becomes the Angry Judge instead of the Compassionate Father awaiting his prodigal son’s return.
This is normal behavior for Saturday dwellers - completely known to God - covered in his grace. Saturdays give us time to reflect both on our situation and God’s solution. Saturday’s invite introspection, reflection and contemplation. While questions remain, (“Why me?” Why did this have to happen?” “What have I done?” What the hell is going on?”), so also does God’s love.
I speak from tragic experience.
My Friday consisted of a grievous sexual encounter which revealed an inner addiction. It cost me dearly. Overnight, I lost my job and ministry of 16 years. I compromised my standing and reputation in the community. 95% of my friends disappeared in a heartbeat and my wife was devastated by my unfaithfulness. A “friend” literally called me, “The bastard pastor.”
My Saturday began with withdrawal. I didn’t want to speak with anyone or go anywhere. I was ashamed to show my face in public. I waited until after dark to go to an ATM. Depression set in and I lost 20 lbs. I entered my version of what Saint John of the Cross called, The Dark Night of the Soul.”
I didn’t want to go to church or have anything to do with God. He was a mean, vindictive judge. God was punishing me for my sin. I could no longer feel his presence and, quite honestly, I’m not sure I wanted to. While I had shown grace to so many, there was none for me.
Then I started to reflect. With the help of a wonderful therapist (whom I still see), I began to gain some clarity. With Dr. Finley’s help, I began to see little glimpses of God’s grace. I began to understand myself and find the answers I had searched for all my life. Answers to questions I had always been afraid to ask. I was promoted at work to a management position after only 3 months on the job. My wife began to come into her own. Joyce became her own person and started to assist other wives whose husbands had been unfaithful or were sexually addicted.
I started to write again. Articles that expressed my state of understanding. Some of the titles include, All That Awaits Me, Difficult Thoughts, Duplicity, Gotta Ask, How the Mighty Have Fallen, I Just Don’t Get It, Sitting In your Pews, My Cold Black Heart, The Tamer of the Beast and The Long Road Back
Then God began to speak to me again. He was probably speaking to me all the time but I didn’t have ears to hear. One day I wrote a lament about my tragic life and found God lovingly answered back. In my spiritual mind God said, “I had to strip you of all that you held dear in order to get your attention. The person you pretended to be had to be exposed so you would stop deceiving yourself. I know it is hard but it’s not because I don’t love you. In fact it is because I love you that the facade had to disappear.”
I understood that the duplicity in my life needed to be removed if I were to ever be one with Christ. Two masters can not be served; light and dark can not co-exist.
It is late on Saturday. The numbness of the moment has passed. I have become comfortable in my cloud of unknowing. I have so many answers - many more yet are to come. I am not satisfied where I am but have learned to be content with my progress. Progress, not perfection is my goal.
I have actually come to a point where I think I can begin to thank God for what has happened to me and in me. I can pray with the 14th Century mystic, “That which I am and the way that I am, with all my gifts of nature and grace you have given to me, Oh Lord, I offer it all to you principally to praise you and to help my fellow Christians and myself.”
It’s still Saturday and at times it still sucks, but Sunday’s coming. Perhaps then I‘ll be able to look back and say “Ahh, it was a Good Friday after all.”
If you’d like to know more, or if there are those who would be helped by sharing our story, please feel free to contact us.
Al Wise
(310) 766-4731, alwise2@aol.com
Joyce Wise
(310) 766-4730, joyce@awomanshealingjourney.com
February 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Will You Be Our Friend?
A Woman’s Healing Journey is now member to many social websites. Would you be our friend and connect with us in cyberspace? Just click on a link below to connect with us.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Survey: Online Forums/Community
A Woman’s Healing Journey is planning a new online community in 2009. We currently have the online forums running, but there is a demand for something greater.
Will you help us develop this new community for wives of sex addicts?
I recently discovered the "wonderful world of Facebook". For the last year, since my husband's disclosure, I have felt isolated and forgotten. We had pastored a large protestant church in our community for 17 years and my husband had been a leader in our denomination, yet few reach out to him and virtually no one reached out to me. I describe the feeling as being erased.
On the urging of my husband I joined Facebook. His thought was that by joining I could view his site and that would make me feel ok about the people he had as friends. Within hours of joining, I was reconnected to the outside world. Old friends, caring and curiosity seekers alike, sought to be my "Facebook friend". My husband and I decided to be very bold and truthful on our sites. We are speaking out about same-sex attraction issues and how recovery is possible. We are eager to reach out to other couples that are suffering from the same-sex attraction issues. We can make it through with a willing heart, a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, and love for each other. Whether same-sex feelings go away or not, we are called to love one another. I was reminded this morning, while I was reading the Love Dare, that "love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open".
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
Much Love to you all,
Joyce
On the urging of my husband I joined Facebook. His thought was that by joining I could view his site and that would make me feel ok about the people he had as friends. Within hours of joining, I was reconnected to the outside world. Old friends, caring and curiosity seekers alike, sought to be my "Facebook friend". My husband and I decided to be very bold and truthful on our sites. We are speaking out about same-sex attraction issues and how recovery is possible. We are eager to reach out to other couples that are suffering from the same-sex attraction issues. We can make it through with a willing heart, a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, and love for each other. Whether same-sex feelings go away or not, we are called to love one another. I was reminded this morning, while I was reading the Love Dare, that "love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open".
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
Much Love to you all,
Joyce
Monday, January 12, 2009
Just Thinking . . . By Coach Joyce
I've been thinking about this past year and frankly, I'm so glad it's over!
This begins a New Day. A new journal and a new attitude towards my marriage. I have asked God for new opportunities and new vision for the year. I have chosen this scripture as my life verse for the year to:
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the
creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and
his understanding NO ONE can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and
increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and
young men stumble and fall; BUT those who hope in the Lord WILL renew
their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run
and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40: 28-31 NIV
My prayer is that God will teach me to wait on Him and rely on Him as my source of all my needs. Al belongs to Him and He has to take care of Al - I can't do anything about this situation but trust that God has things in control. I just have to WAIT!
Don't I sound like a different person - AMAZING! God has really beenworking on my heart. Fortunately, I have made a choice to submit to my Lord. I'm so tired of thinking about "my pain". I need to move beyond this. Yesterday I decided to reflect on what I've learned this past year. I have come up with 25 items that I have been taught.
1) Keep your eyes on God;
2) Study to understand;
3) Don't take (accept) other people's labels just
because they have initials after their
names;
4) You don't have to have your situation put in a
box;
5) Don't let the world, books, or any other person
dictate how should feel, act, or respond;
6) Learn to be Ok with yourself;
7) Do things you wouldn't normally do and learn from
them;
8) Love anyway!
9) Its Ok to feel;
10) God will never leave or forsake you even when
you've forsaken yourself;
11) When the help that you sought gives you bad advice –
you don't have to take it! Get mad enough to refuse
to be put in a mold. Your behavior,
reactions, and eventual recovery has to be
individualized.
12) As Winston Churchill said; "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER GIVE UP!"
13) God is all sufficient. He really does care and He
really does have a plan.
14) Be careful who you trust. Just because they say they
care or are your friend doesn't mean they really
are!
15) Be slow to judge others;
16) Even the suckiest situation can have a positive
outcome;
17) Learn to wait;
18) Emotional pain comes in all sizes and shapes - be
careful how you react and respond;
19) Be willing to care even when you don't
understand;
20) We are all imperfect frail human beings - Get over
it!
21) Love never gives up or "calls uncle";
22) Learn to discern - not all tools are the right ones
for your situation;
23) Stop thinking so much about yourself and start
thinking about the other person;
24) Pray everyday for your husband (wife). Bring them
before the Lord.
25) If you can't sleep, use the time for prayer,
reading, journaling - what ever you have to do to
make it a positive time for you. What Satan means
for evil, God can make good!!!
I thought I'd share these revelations with you. I hope you all have awonderful New Year and that God gives you revelations and strength to share them.
This begins a New Day. A new journal and a new attitude towards my marriage. I have asked God for new opportunities and new vision for the year. I have chosen this scripture as my life verse for the year to:
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the
creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and
his understanding NO ONE can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and
increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and
young men stumble and fall; BUT those who hope in the Lord WILL renew
their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run
and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40: 28-31 NIV
My prayer is that God will teach me to wait on Him and rely on Him as my source of all my needs. Al belongs to Him and He has to take care of Al - I can't do anything about this situation but trust that God has things in control. I just have to WAIT!
Don't I sound like a different person - AMAZING! God has really beenworking on my heart. Fortunately, I have made a choice to submit to my Lord. I'm so tired of thinking about "my pain". I need to move beyond this. Yesterday I decided to reflect on what I've learned this past year. I have come up with 25 items that I have been taught.
1) Keep your eyes on God;
2) Study to understand;
3) Don't take (accept) other people's labels just
because they have initials after their
names;
4) You don't have to have your situation put in a
box;
5) Don't let the world, books, or any other person
dictate how should feel, act, or respond;
6) Learn to be Ok with yourself;
7) Do things you wouldn't normally do and learn from
them;
8) Love anyway!
9) Its Ok to feel;
10) God will never leave or forsake you even when
you've forsaken yourself;
11) When the help that you sought gives you bad advice –
you don't have to take it! Get mad enough to refuse
to be put in a mold. Your behavior,
reactions, and eventual recovery has to be
individualized.
12) As Winston Churchill said; "NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER GIVE UP!"
13) God is all sufficient. He really does care and He
really does have a plan.
14) Be careful who you trust. Just because they say they
care or are your friend doesn't mean they really
are!
15) Be slow to judge others;
16) Even the suckiest situation can have a positive
outcome;
17) Learn to wait;
18) Emotional pain comes in all sizes and shapes - be
careful how you react and respond;
19) Be willing to care even when you don't
understand;
20) We are all imperfect frail human beings - Get over
it!
21) Love never gives up or "calls uncle";
22) Learn to discern - not all tools are the right ones
for your situation;
23) Stop thinking so much about yourself and start
thinking about the other person;
24) Pray everyday for your husband (wife). Bring them
before the Lord.
25) If you can't sleep, use the time for prayer,
reading, journaling - what ever you have to do to
make it a positive time for you. What Satan means
for evil, God can make good!!!
I thought I'd share these revelations with you. I hope you all have awonderful New Year and that God gives you revelations and strength to share them.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Celebrating 10 Years!
This month, Marsha is celebrating the 10 year anniversary of Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars. Originally published in 1999, Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars helped wives of sex addicts deal with their husband’s acting out when talking about sexual addiction was taboo in the church!
Since 1999, thousands of copies of Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars have sold. The church has recognized sexual immorality as a serious problem. And Marsha has personally helped thousands of women through her books, speaking engagements, coaching, support groups, and website.
In honor of the 10 year anniversary, A Woman’s Healing Journey is offering both Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars and the Partner’s Healing Journey workbook for $10 each. If you already have a copy, purchase another and donate it to your church library to help other women seeking hope in a painful time in their lives.
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